I condemn the Ampatuan massacre

yesterday, 21 people were killed in Maguindanao. people were on their way to the COMELEC office to file a certificate of candidacy. they never made it. along the way, 40 were taken hostage and 21 of them found dead. the massacre is being blamed on Gov. Ampatuan, a new Maguidanao dynasty, but one not afraid to abuse its power.

I condemn these killings. I condemn any abuse of political power. I condemn the culture of impunity in the Philippines. I do not know what my condemning it can do. But I want my government to know about it. I want my people to know about it.

24 hours post-RP submission

it has almost been 24 hours since i submitted my research paper (11/11, 4:21AM) and the disbelief of coming up a master's paper still amazes me. technically, we had five months to research and write. but discipline has always been my problem. most people began taking the task seriously september, when supervisors started asking for details of field research and data-gathering.

despite:
15 days of travel
endless movie nights
frequent facebook checks and posts, including mafia wars every three hours
livestreaming television every hour
the greatest halloween party ever
'disturbing the peace'

i made it. i did it. and on time. wow.

of course i could hardly assess the quality of the paper. my supervisor liked the idea, but that never really is a gauge of a final grade. but what the heck!!! i don't care. i achieved something i never imagined i would ever do. and i enjoyed the process of discovering the value of my research. maybe not to the development studies field, but to myself. i've learned things that i wanted to do eventually.

i'm just happy to be done. happy to be free!

LP 73: Lakad

Maliit pa lang ako, pangarap ko nang mapuntahan ang lungsod ng Athens kung saan diumano ay naglakad ang mga diyos at diyosa ng mitolohiyang Griyego.

Natupad na rin aking pangarap nuong nakaraang Hulyo.

Ang di ko akalain ay mayroon din palang "changing of the guards" katulad ng nagaganap sa tirahan ng reyna ng Britanya sa Athens. Bawat oras ay may palitan ng mga guwardya sa harap ng National Parliament nila.

Naaliw ako dahil kakaiba ang kanilang paglalakad. Para silang nag-e-ehersisyo. O di naman sumasayaw ng mabagal sa musika ni Michael Jackson na "They Don't Really Care About Us." At sino ba naman ang di matutuwa sa pompom sa sapatos ng mga gwardiya o tassle sa likod ng kanilang mga tuhod. At napapaisip ako, "ang init ng suot nila. buti buhay pa sila!"

RIP, Alexis Tioseco

There are just too many good people passing away this year.

This morning, I woke up with my usual routing. Turning on my laptop. Checking facebook and twitter. I found it strange seeing Gang's status with just Alexis Tioseco's name. It was too cryptic, so I looked at the tweets from different online newspapers to see if there was any report about him.

And there it was. He was shot dead in his own home by robbers.

I do not him personally, though I wish I did. But he was part of my mornings in Davao when 'Breakfast' still aired on Studio 23. He would be a weekly (or was it bi-weekly) guest on the show, and he would talk about films. It was interesting how this Ingliserong Amboy from Canada (Amboy, pero Canada? ano yun?! haha! but you know what I mean) had so much passion for the local film industry. Most of the time, he discussed about independent films or old classics that should be revived.

He was clearly an advocate for the film industry as an art. I could sense his frustration when he would talk about lost films of the old greats. It was also interesting how he tackled the issue on National Artists. More than lobbying for Caparas not to receive the award, he was clamoring for the NCCA to actually set aside a budget to educate the people about the arts. So no one can claim that it is for the elite. I did not think of it that way. Such a philosophical, deep thinker.

I came across an article he wrote for Rogue Magazine. It showed how much he loved his girlfriend (who along with him was also murdered) and how much he loved the local film industry. It's a beautiful piece.

And he also wrote a piece about his wishful thinking for Philippine Cinema. This guy is did not just love the film industry, he was in-love with it.

It's sad that such a passionate advocate is gone. And gone the way he did. It is so wrong on so many levels.

I don't know if I have the right to feel this way not having known him. It was also just recently that I got re-acquainted with his work because of the National Artists brouhaha. But I feel I lost my voice with his passing.

Thank you, Alexis Tioseco. I pray that justice will be served.

not a sleepyhead

since i got back in netherlands, my sleeping pattern kinda normalized. sleeping between 12 and 1, waking up between 730 and 9. it feels good actually.

but tonight, or this morning, i'm back to restlessness at 2 in the morning. i want to go to sleep. but i couldn't bring my body to lie down.

was it because i actually started doing something for my paper? i doubt it. it's hardly a breakthrough. but at least it's a baby step.

i miss home. i really do. not the philippines itself, but home.

it's true what they say. leaving the second time is much harder, more gut-wrenching. the first time i got here, i was so excited. taking in anything and everything. i wanted to go out and see as much of it as i can. i usually just think about jan during lull times in the day.

but now, i think about my home most of the time. 10 weeks of hardly being apart can do that to you. the four days that i was away during those 10 weeks was spent with my family so that was also a very busy time. but most days, we were just together. eating together, working (or not working, in my case) together.

sigh.

i hate being a mush ball. but sleep deprivation can do that to you, i guess.

and when i watch Up again, i am probably going to cry buckets not just because of the story but because of so many things.

i want my home. :(

been a while

it has been a while since i posted anything decent in this blog. school and trying not to do school has been keeping me busy. and honestly, i really have nothing in mind to say. oh, there is much in my head for sure. but none of which i can actually blog about meaningfully yet. i have not the words.

anyway, the last few days, i have been looking bact at my old blog. i surprised myself. i did not know i could write so well, if i can just give time to actually think about what i say, if i actually give myself time to reflect. but i have not.

i wish i could say life is happening to me right now. but not really. most of the time, i'm cooped up in my room, surrounded by books i have yet to read, battling thoughts on my research paper, running away using facebook and livestreaming movies.

but i want to blog again. to write again. to free my mind again of thoughts that hardly mean anything, but then i want to say them anyway. maybe just writing nonsense random things will get the mojo back again.

i miss it. i miss writing. i miss writing to share what i see, what i feel. so i'm hoping this is a start.

naniniwala, nagtitiwala

naniniwala ako na hindi makakalimot ang pinoy.
kailangan lang na may laging mag-paalala.
nagtitiwala ako sa pilipino.
kailangan lang niya ng paniniwalaan.
ipagdasal natin na darating siya sa panahong kailangang-kailangan natin.

maraming salamat at paalam

salamat, tita cory, at muli mong pinag-isa ang bansang pilipinas.
nawa ay hindi namin hayaan ang aming mga sarili na muling makalimot.
magkasama na kayo ni ninoy. salamat sa inyong dalawa... sa magkaibang paraan ng pag-alay ng buhay para sa pilipinas.

cory naming mahal

with your quiet grace, you have inspired an entire nation.
the humility of your faith is your strength.

thank you, Cory. i pray the nation will not forget.

to she who is the beacon of hope

it's been a while since i have lost blogged anything. things have been in busy frenzy and the time to sit down, reflect and write has been elusive.

but today, as the SONA is about to be said, i take time to pay tribute to our beloved President Cory Aquino who continues to battle her colon cancer in the Makati Medical Center. more and more parts of the metro are being festooned with yellow ribbons in honor of her. even the web has been adorned with it.

once, in my childhood, this yellow ribbon was a defiance to a tyrannical administration. now it is to show continued support to she who has been the beacon of hope, even after she has graciously turned over the presidency to her legitimate replacement.

i post this yellow ribbon in honor of her.
and i also post this yellow ribbon to be once again that symbol of defiance to a tyranny.

today will be a battle of wills. may the end of this day pave the way for hope for a frustrated country.

a frustrated happy independence day

our original independence day was the same date as america, july 4. a date declared by the US for the country. historians urged then president Diosdado Macapagal (why oh why did you create such an evil spawn of a daughter? why!) to change it to june 12, originally Flag Day.

why june 12? in 1998, Gen. Emilio Aguinaldo proclaimed the sovereignty and independence of the Philippines and unfurled our flag to the people for the first time.

we were yet to be free from the spaniards. the war to drive them out was still ongoing.

i take pride in this day. i take pride that we did not wait to be declared independent by our conquistadors, rather we claimed it for ourselves. we did not need to win the war, we just need to know it was time to reclaim what was justly ours.

were we truly independent? technically not. we were turned over to the americans, who in the wake of world war 2, the coward douglas mcarthur left us to fend for ourselves upon the arrival of the japanese. he only came back when the war was over and it was safe for his sorry ass to come back and be safe in holding true to his promise.

now that our conquistadors are gone, we fight a new war. a sad war because it is our fellow Filipinos who oppress us. this greed for power has deprived farmers of their land, students of their education, squatters of their homes.

last week, a farmer activist fighting for land reform. last wednesday, thousands gathered in makati to express outrage for the 'timeliness' of a constitutional assembly just a few months before elections. for the last 60 years... we have been a confused nation managed by power-hungry elitists. i want to be independent from that. i want my countrymen to be fed, to be educated, to be nursed.

but how? sigh.

pretty flowers by steve martin

the moment michael sarver opened his mouth to sing the song, i could not help but fall in love with the song. steve martin's mean banjo playing made it all the more lovely. megan joy fumbled a bit, but the song was too feel good to be damaged.

i had the mushy mental imagery of jan and i walking hand and hand by the schev (oh, please, please let this be) to this song.

one month to one year

there three important questions you asked me

Q1.
it was late evening when we were hanging out by the benches under the tree of our alma mater. i don't remember anymore how the conversation led to you asking me what was happening between us.

you had your knee in a brace then. i remember the tail-end of our five hour conversation on the phone, i wished you 'break a leg' for your basketball game. ooops, wrong idiom. that was for theater. i did not, for the life of me, imagine that it would be taken literally. the next time i saw you again, you had a leg brace because of MCL. oooops, sorry.

you asked me, while our hands held each other, "ano to?" (what is this?) i wanted to be ambiguous, you didn't. i guess we know who won the case that night.

Q2.
it was funny how pinoy big brother got in the way of your moment.

after what i thought was our despedida dinner for you since it was your last day in davao and was already home, you gave me a scrapbook. i was teasing you for being romantic, a rare event and one that i always welcome.

i leafed through each page which i could see was made painstaken care and love. knowing you to be unexpressive, i teased you for putting images of our story in a book. so not you. so me, actually. and such an idiot i am, i really did not know what was coming. and because of that... the tempo broke when an interesting scene was happening on big brother. thank God for commercial breaks. haha.

yes, i am such an idiot. even upon reaching the page when THE question was there, i didn't get it. i read it the first time and snickered and teased you again. 'yiheeee, you love me! you are sooo cute.'

then i went back to the note again. waitaminute. your note said, "angie, mahal na mahal kita. maari ba kitang makasama ng habang buhay?" (angie, i love you very much. may i spend forever with you?).

people who knew about it actually bet i would cry, being such a cry baby. guess what, i laughed. laughed long and loud. not at you, but at myself. for being caught by surprise. for you actually pulling off a surprise! for me not getting it the moment i got the scrapbook. i laughed and forgot to say yes. we did resolve that at some point. :)


Q3.
well, it wasn't really you who asked me, but the priest. and he asked you the same thing. it seemed we kinda agreed on an answer.

the answer which decided our forevers was a leap of faith.

i believe.

<---------0-------->

i am fervently hoping we spend it together. yes, we can. :)

today the seeds* danced and sang

it was a perfect day to bike around in den haag to get lost.

as i pedaled my way through the bike paths, gusts of wind blew the seeds from the trees down to the ground. hundreds of tiny little seeds danced and spiraled as they made their way down. yet as they gathered in heaps, the wind would blow again and the seeds would ran and glide on the concrete making them sing. such a magical and ethereal day!

i love spring! spring is such a wonderful time of the year. :)

litratong pinoy: gusali

dahil sa pagkalakwatsera ko, may ilan-ilan na rin akong nakitang mga kilalang gusali sa europa. nuon, di ako bilib sa eiffel tower. feeling ko, building lang siya na nakalimutang damitan ang bakal. pero nuong nakita ko na sa personal... di ko mapigilang matuwa. kakaiba ang pakiramdam na makita mo ang isang bagay na palagi mo lang nababasa o napapanuod. di ko alam kung nagandahan ako sa kanya, pero sigurado akong ako ay namangha.

happy easter!

may the hope of the season be with you. :)

this holy week turned out to be a pleasant surprise. :)

Good Friday was spent in Brugges, Belgium. A somewhat imposed presence to Marwell and Maricar's road trip, thanks to Jo and Alma backing out last minute. Brugges is what I had always imagined Europe to be, back in those days when I did not know any better. Old Europe. Chocolates, beer, lace, fries and belgian waffles. Shocked the other passers-by with our fish-rice-tomato-shrimp paste lunch complete with utensils. But definitely a good Pinoy meal in Europe. Really goooood. Thanks, Marwell, for the free ride.

Black Saturday was spent to meet with my 'adopted' Dutch family. I joined the 'Meet the Dutch' program in school which allowed the ISS students to spend time with the Dutch (given we barely see Dutch people in school as we are quite multicultural in set-up). Peter and Anky were such wonderful hosts! My first time to ride a high Dutch bike. And didn't expect to do 34 kms of it in one go! We went around the towns of Bodegraven, Reeuweg and Gouda. A nice mix of small town, big countryside tour. Reeuweg was particularly exciting, with its lakes and sailing areas. The sun was absolutely perfect except with a few minutes of rain. The guided bike tour taught me about dikes and ditches and peat and sea level and such. Peter did a good job of letting me know a bit more about the Dutch way of life. Brought home pictures and instructions to send them to my mom and Jan. Plus a recipe to try out too! Yummmm...

Easter Sunday started with a surprise breakfast for Risa, which I hope made her happy, despite the fact we woke her up from sleep. Tee-hee! Breakfast with most of the gang then off to mass. Mass was also good wherein we witnessed how a European baptism goes, with babies exposed in their full glory to the audience. Haha! Plus beautiful Nigerian songs to welcome Christ's Resurrection. Afterwards, I spent the afternoon with the bday girl and Iain in Amsterdam looking at Van Gogh paintings.

Not bad at all. Especially for someone who had no specific plans for the week whatsoever.

Happy Easter again!

missing 70s bistro

70's bistro is that little hole in the wall bar along anonas that was probably the home of my melancholy and joy when i stared to work for non-profit organizations. NGO workers often hung out there, probably because it was a stone's throw away from the unofficial development organization district. and maybe because the performing artists themselves were active in social movement.
photo lifted from greenpeacesoutheastasia.wordpress.com

other than that, it was where many jesuit volunteers (JVP) like me frequently drowned our re-entry in the 'real world' angst with beer and noel cabangon's music . we listened to his songs of longing for a loved one far-away, of yesterdays that can never be relived, of frustration with the country, of hopes for tomorrow. and it was not just noel. there was joey ayala and gary granada and cookie chua and cynthia alexander... my demi-gods, if not gods, of alternative filipino music.

of course, there were also those dancerous nights listening to brownman revival. moving to their reggae beat, wondering about the injustice in the world with dino (the lead singer) having a smaller waist and shirt size than us girls.

what made it even better... were conversations with them during intermissions. most of them devoid of celebrity pompousness would sit down with us to share a beer and conversation. the waiters have also come to know us and usually seat us as near to the stage as possible. and despite work at 9AM the next day, we would go home at 2AM with our thirst for life sated and fired up at the same time.

my last two wednesdays in the philippines was spent watching noel. once with the fuhkers sucking on cannabis lollipops sent by tatit. once with maita while jan was watching argentina play olympic basketball at home.

i miss that when i feel like what i feel right now (reflective), my heart was tugged by the sound of an acoustic guitar while sitting in the middle of a cramped room sipping on my cold coke and crunching ice cubes.

* * * * *

as an aside, it was usually after going to bistro that i am able to write poems. i am no way a poet. but there are days when words just come and put themselves together using my hand to be alive. the ones i post here were written after noel's 10th anniversary gig in bistro. one of the best gigs ever.

BISTRO. MGA TULA PARA SA IYO.

1. BISTRO

tahanan ka
ng mga dakilang nakikibaka
nakikiramdam sa naghihingalong pilipinas.

kanlungan ka
ng mga mang-aawit
na sumusubok
buhayin ang pag-asa
sa pusong pagod na.

daungan ka
ng mga kaluluwang naghahanap
ng pagkakataon
na lumaya
kahit panandalian lang.

samu’t-sari
iba’t-ibang mga nilalang.
ngunit nagiging
isa
sa mga bisig mo.

1:52 AM 3-27-03

2. TISSUE
tissue

strewn all over the floor.
blown by the ceiling fan’s
tender (almost nothing) gust.

dry.
tainted with bleeding ink
and smeared lipstick.
(and someone’s broken heart)

damp.
wrapped around a glass
(and maybe on trembling fingers)
full of spiked tea.

wet.
wiped against the beer bottle’s flowing tears.
(and possibly that man’s too.)

soaked.
spilled with cold cerveza
warmed by lingering thoughts.
(and sometimes broken dreams)

later,
when the lights are out
the gentle movements
of the sleepy waiter’s broom
shall gather
you
all
in
one
big
heap.

2:01 AM 3-27-03

3. TIGANG

piga na
ang katas
ng kaluluwa.

ngunit ang
iyong tinig
ang nagdidilig
sa kanyang katigangan.

uhaw.
gutom.
ngunit higit sa lahat
lito
sa kalawakan ng buhay.

di na kayang
liparin
languyin

kulang na ang lakas.
ngunit pag nalubog na
sa awit mo ang kamalayan,
ito na ang lakas ko.

bukas…
baka kaya pa ang bukas.
basta umawit ka pa
ng isa pa.
awit pa…

3-27-03 1:30 am

4. AMBROSIA

i have always heard
that ambrosia
was food for the gods.

i have not tasted
nor seen ambrosia.

neither am i a god.

what shall i be fed?
i.
who is but a frail, hungry, thirsting human.
what shall i be fed?

ah.
sing to me your soul.
that mine may know
how it is to live again.
nourish my soul with your song.

i know
not even ambrosia
can satiate me
nor quench me
as much as your odes.

1:40 AM 3-27-03

litratong pinoy: sapatos

ito ay sa Palavas sa Montpellier, France. araw ng Pasko.

matapos masiraan ng bait at naisipan ng tropa na maglakad papuntang beach sa halip na maghintay sa bus ng isa at kalahating oras.

tatlong oras, nangangalahati pa lang kami ng lakad. salamat na lang at may dumating na bus!

bakit namin naisipan na maglakad? para makita ang isang beach na nasa Mediterranean. at dahil excited akong sa Mediterranean, deadma na na ang lamig ng tubig ay halos freezing point na. kelangan mailagay ko ang aking mga paa sa tubig.

lekat! ang lamig! halos 20 minuto bago ko bumalik ang pakiramdam sa aking mga paa.

di bale, masasabi ko naman na nakatungtong na ang aking mga paa sa mediterranean. hehe.

30 going 13... or 16 maybe

mehn...

there is something seriously wrong when exams are coming up and essay is due and the panic button is still not on, when half the day is spent watching a taiwanese soap opera from six years ago.

there is absolutely something serious wrong when anything heard that is not filipino or english sounds chinese. or when one of the F4 boys looks at the camera and one feels all kilig and giddy all over. or when upon watching aforementioned boys (who are probably men now) singing in chinese makes one laugh like a sixteen year old being wooed by her crush. and gawd, there is something seriously wrong feeling all giddy for men who wear shirts smaller than mine!

damn.

i really need a life.
or at least need to have these exams and essays over.
or dance like crazy and get this trapped energy out.
damn.

*oh baby, baby, my baby, baby...*
*giggle, giggle, giggle*

note to self: you are 30 years old

this is all barcelona's fault.

(non) study trail

my quest for the right study spot. and how it failed.

sylar

is it just me or did sylar just suddenly become hot?

dang those eyes! and when i finally did a heroes marathon of season 3... the dude was near naked in some scenes... yowzaaaah!

and so ends my study break.

i hope.

litratong pinoy: paboriting alahas

hindi ako mahilig mag-alahas. ayaw kong nagsusuot ng tunay, marahil dahil commuter ako. bukod sa masaya na akong magsuot ng fancy na mabibili ng 3 for P100. at least hindi masakit sa loob kung mawala. na madalas mangyari sa aking mga alahas.

ngunit ngayon, meron na akong suot-suot palagi -- ang aking engagement ring at wedding ring. :)

ang larawan sa baba ay ang engagement ring na pina-custom made ng asawa ko para sa proposal niya sa akin. peridot ang bato, na birth stone ko pala. di ko man lang malalaman kung di dahil sa regalo niyang singsing.

kahit na hindi ako mahilig sa alahas, palagi ko nang suot suot ito kasama ng wedding ring ko. lalo na ngayon na malayo kami sa isa't-isa ng panandalian, isang alaala na merong naghihintay sa aking pag-uwi.

litratong pinoy: polo/blusa

huwag kayong mag-alala... hindi kumanta ang mamang ito ng 'my way' sa videoke kaya duguan ang polo.

ito ang kanyang costume para sa carnaval sa maastricht, netherlands. ang carnaval ay dinidiwang ng ilang bansa ng europa sa panahon bago mag-ash wednesday. nagsasaya ang mga tao bago dumating ang panahon ng lent. ang mas masaya dito, lahat ng tao ay ganadong mag-costume. isang malaking party ang mga kalsada. walang tigil na inom ng beer ang mga taong hindi sila sa araw na iyon.

at patatalo ba ang pinoy? aba ako rin! bihis-madre naman kami ng kasama ko. at bongga, nakikipicture ang mga tao sa amin, tulad ng pakikipicture namin sa ibang taong aliw ang mga costume. :)

bigay-pugay kay Francis Magalona (a tribute to FrancisM)

i first discovered francis magalona in the movie 'bagets 2.' but in the movies, he did not shine as much as his contemporaries did.

it was only a few years after that he was rediscovred and finally found his niche in rap music. it was francis m that introduced filipino rap to the philippines. his debut rap/song, 'mga kababayan ko' (my countrymen) was a phenomenal hit. it was a fresh and new take for the pinoy audience. i loved the song, not just for its upbeat tempo and the fact that i can sing along with it (because i do not need to be in tune, and i can not for the life of me, be in tune)... but because it was a song of Filipino pride. at 12, having been brainwashed my Smokey Mountain (my first obsession in entertainment), FrancisM resonated my feelings of pride of being Pinoy.

FrancisM was the voice of my generation at that time. he spoke of love and identity and country. and he made us dance. and yes, he also sing songs sung by Bart Simpson! and i still feel it blasphemy to even compare him with andrew e. no waaaaay do you compare the REAL king of rap with someone who only talks about sex and toilet humor as well as delusions of grandeur when it comes to his face.

FrancisM IS the king of filipino rap. no other.


he did have his share of trouble with his drug use. but in the course of time, he went into rehabilitation and became a spokesperson against it. he picked up the pieces and made a comeback.

this cool, handsome chap became a music icon. and he used that to speak of issues and to promote nationalism. he has come up with his own brand of clothing called 'three stars and a sun' which is about wearing our national pride. he was also doing so well in photography, even winning awards and all that. so his artistry has expanded beyong just music and business.

today, i receive a message from tatit, telling me of his demise. my heart broke the second time this week. the last i heard about him was that he was responding well to his chemotherapy. and then this.

we have lost a great artist. one that has still so much to say, and so much to share.

FrancisM, you have gone too soon. Salamat sa pagiging isa sa mga inspirasyon ng aming henerasyon.

litratong pinoy: bag

matagal-tagal na rin mula nung aking huling lahok sa litratong pinoy. mabigat na rin kasi ang mga gawain para sa paaralan...

bag. isang bagay na malapit sa aking puso dahil hindi ako maaring mawalan ng bag kung ako ay lalabas. marahil kaya ako nahikayat na mag-post muli.

*****
ang mga tropa ng pinoy na nag-aaral sa paaralan namin ay naisipang magbakasyon sa italy. sa laki ng grupo namin, nagkahiwa-hiwalay ayon sa nais mapuntahan. may nag-venice, nag-roma at kami naman ay napadpad sa lucca. masyado kasing mabigat sa bulsa ang venice o roma.

wala sa plano ang pagpunta sa lucca. at huling araw na namin ito sa italy. pabalik na kami sa pisa kung saan ang airport. dahil madadaanan namin ang lucca, naisipan namin na dito pumunta. ngunit dahil wala sa plano, bitbit namin ang aming mga kagamitan. dahil linggo nung araw na iyo, sarado ang tourist office. napilitan kaming mag-ikot ng maliit na siyudad ng lucca bitbit ang mga bag na ito.

hindi maikakaila na turista! bukod sa halatang hindi kami taga-europa, height pa lang. haha! bagamat mabigat at nakakapagod magbitbit, sa ganda ng lugar, hindi namin maiwasang lumisan ng lucca na maligaya. kahit pa sarado ang karamihan ng mga mapupuntahan. bukod pa sa walang-tigil ang ulan.

ngunit kelan ba napigilan ng mga bagay na iyan ang taong may nunal sa paa? ;p

2:10 AM

kumakapit pa rin ang tinig ni jess sa aking balat. bumabalot ang saliw ng gitara sa aking isip. ayaw bumitiw. antok man ang aking mga mata, nagpupumiglas ang aking diwa. kanyang bulong na dumadagundong, 'hayaan mo akong maging malaya!' matagal na ring nakakulong ang mga salitang naibaon ng panahon.

Blueberry Girl

a prayer to all the little girls, in age and in spirit, of my life.

this is a video of neil gaiman's voice interespersed over charles vess' illustrations for the upcoming book of the same title. the background music also adds to the beauty of the imagery and voice.

i have not faltered in declaring being a neil gaiman fangirl. but charles vess is also one of my favorite artists. he does the perfect fantastical drawings which appeal to the child in me. this coming collaboration is something i am looking forward to.

the graveyard book by neil gaiman

because i got the book at the same time that i was doing a major paper for school, i ended up finishing it more than a week. but i know i could have finished it in one sitting if i had the luxury of time and not just snatches.

the story is about nobody owens, or bod, who unknowingly escaped a murder plot against him by the man jack. his one and a half year old self ends up at the graveyard where many spirits from time past reside. the book tells about his adventure in and out of the graveyard until he turned 15.

after reading the book, i felt... whoa. wow. whoa. wow.

there has been an interesting debate as to whether it is a children's book or is it a juvenile book. though it being granted a newberry award puts him in the children section.

but at usual, gaiman uses the richness of his imagination thus making the story hard to define. i felt all sorts of emotions reading the book. at first i was giggling and amused, then worried, then relieved, and then worried again. and at the end, i was sad and happy at the same time.

as usual, gaiman has crafted another array of interesting and lovable characters, he makes it difficult for you to choose which one is your favorite. i loved silas. i loved lisa hempstock. i loved caius pompeius. i loved everybody! i disliked the jacks, but they are not meant to be liked.

it was worth the 18 euros i paid for, especially with the signed copy. definitely worth it!

online shopping: virgin no more

so i did say i finally redeemed by $100 gift certificate for amazon.com from igougo.com for writing travel reviews.

initially i wanted to get a camera bag for dixie as well as lens cleaners. there was this watch that meant something to me that i lost so i wanted to replace that. unfortunately, they won't deliver the camera stuff here in the netherlands or in the philippines. i would have waited until someone was going to the philippines from the US. but i wanted to run away from school work so much that i busied myself with online shopping.

apart from the watch, i ended up with a neil gaiman books buying spree.

and also ended up getting 'neverending story' by michael ende suggested by jovan, which i have always known to be just a movie.

total purchase was just around $66.oo but the shipping cost half of that. bummer! still it was not money that i had to work for with blood, sweat and tears. i did also enjoy the experience and the fact that it helped me run away from important homework which i should be attending to.

my next $100 gift check, i will make sure will just end up with purchases and not shipping. heehee!

jan's team photo is one of those that flash in the ateneo basketball league website. woot!

i think i'm crushing on him there. tee-hee!

note: kelangan na naming magkita... kahit pawisan siya naku-kyutan na ako. delikado na to. hehe.

oh, yeah! $100 amazon gift check

woooot!

i was finally able to claim $100 amazon gift check from igougo.com! after 14 journals and 43 reviews, i made it to 24,000 points. i could have actually claimed gift certificates when i reached 6,000 points which was worth $25 or the $50 (12,000 points). but why settle for less? and now i have $100. woohooo!

thanks to rowie for showing me this website.

what to buy? what to buy? (actually i know what to buy...)

time to work on another 24000 points again! :D

good luck, jan!

visa interview at 10AM. i hope the netherlands embassy does not give us so much of a hard time! three months max is all we ask. just so we can spend our wedding anniversary together. *fingers crossed*

psyching up

for the week to feel like this.

i'm really, really starting to miss the sun and the beach now. sigh.

25 random things

i already answered this in facebook. except i want to do this again at 2:28AM. i want to write and there is nothing in particular on my mind. this is the perfect moment for stream of consciousness thoughts. nobody seems to read my blogspot anymore, so i can be as candid as i can be, right? i just hope i can catch the cross-post in multiply before any one else does. or maybe nothing too embarassing will come out of this.

so here goes:

1. my room is almost back to the mess that it was a couple of entries ago. i could have cleaned my room today except i was too lazy and indulged myself with a lizzie maguire marathon. i'm still waiting for the episode when lizzie and gordo finally discover they like each other. and oh, sylar was guest in one of the episodes.

2. i sometimes wish i can take home a merit or distinction written on my diploma. except the desire to relax and enjoy life as a student overpowers that desire. besides, there are smarter and more diligent people out there that deserve such an addendum to their diplomas than i do. seriously.

3. i am getting more and more excited with the prospect of seeing jan soon. i pray to god that his visa application get approved.

4. i worry a lot about my financial capability to have a family. but in my heart i know god and i and jan will work together on this. di niya ako pababayaan. i am sure of that. and neither will jan. but i still worry.

5. i dream of seeing as much of the world as i can. there are so many opportunities right now except i do not have the financial capability.

6. as much as it would be fun to be a single person here in the ISS and get a chance to meet and date people, i really don't mind having come here as married. i am in a way scared of how wild i can get without the commitment.

7. i don't drink. i don't smoke. i don't do weed. but i have tried them all here. i really don't think i'm missing on anything. i prefer the natural high of just being myself and enjoying every moment sober and aware. i do enjoy seeing other people having fun that way... it's always nice seeing people enjoy themselves. as always, each to his own.

8. i have a fascination with friday the 13th.

9. i really honestly believe in God and his goodness. i think faith is a good thing to have. it doesn't hurt to believe in something outside yourself. it actually makes life worth living. some say more bearable, but life is not something to bear with but something to live for.

10. i believe that life is good. you just have to believe it and it will happen. it's all a matter of perspective.

11. i wish people believed in goodness more. if each person did, then the whole world will be much better.

12. last thursday's paulo freire reading on pedagogy of the oppressed affected me personally. thank God for jesuit education and liberation theology that i feel obliged to do as much as i can for the greater good. if i die, i know i did as much as i could to be good. i like being good, i just realized now.

13. i am so addicted to facebook and blogs. i hardly read news sites. i mostly frequent fb, multiply, friends' blogs, postsecret and neil gaiman's journal. and plurk. and those can already waste my time so much.

14. i still wonder why i am in social development work. i don't know the great social scientists. even marx, i still don't have a total grasp of what he is trying to say. but maybe the world needs more people who think with their hearts because there are already a lot of people thinking with their brains.

15. jologs ako. i love being baduy. i thrive on star cinema chick flicks. i'm a fan of john lloyd and bea, judy ann and piolo love teams. john lloyd and sarah geronimo ain't bad either.

16. i cry so easily. i cry when people win reality shows i like like american idol, america's next top model and if the winner of project runway cries. if s/he doesn't, i'm just happy. i like it when people win. though i hope i win in their place.

17. i have a crush on jamal's older brother, salim, in slumdog millionaire. i find him bad boy sexy.

18. i am thinking i took up so much time for this random things thingie again. and it is making me fall asleep which is good because i want to be sleepy.

19. judy blume was my first favorite author. i have to thank my sister for giving me superfudge when i was ten.

20. i can watch ten things i hate about you over and over. i was sincerely saddened by the loss of heath ledger and hope he wins the oscar for his role as joker.

21. if it is possible, i would want to be a stay-at-home-mom. i would want to be the one to teach my child about life. make sure he keeps his wonder because school sometimes tend to wipe that away.

22. if i were to teach my future children something, that would be to BELIEVE. i know it sounds like an ateneo chant for a uaap game, but i believe in BELIEVE. i think God knows what we want, but he just wants us to figure it out for ourselves before he gives it to us. because if we know we want it, we will take care of it more. but we really, really have to KNOW for sure.

23. i think i may have been a matchmaker in my past life. not matchstick maker, matchmaker. i tend to have a sense of people who would work fine together. or not work fine together. i can say i have good batting average. not perfect, but good.

24. i have a regular prayer. safety and good health of me, my family and jan. if i mention that before i sleep, then that counts as my prayer already. my prayers lately included: safe pregnancy and delivery for rowie (it worked), toni to get pregnant (it worked), safe pregnancy and delivery for toni (it will work) and for joel's peace. i forget to pray for the people of the world. but sometime's i remember to say, please take care of all your people. so i hope that counts.

25. best gifts of my life: my family, lhc, jvp (mindoro and bukidnon), ateneo, jan, iss/nfp scholarship. major turning points of my life. people and places and events that made me and is making me who i am.

if cleanliness is next to godliness, part ii

then i'm on my way out of the nine circles of hell.

and maybe i can have my angel wings and halo back. except i don't think i ever had them in the first place. hmmm....

if cleanliness is next to godliness...

then i'm the devil...

i'm just too stressed to even pick up my socks and put it inside the cabinet and put my readings on the table.

i'm usually messy, but not this messy.

blah.

little things that can make your day better

it's just one of those days when things aren't going the way you want it to go. you are tired from not getting much sleep. not getting enough sleep from thinking too much. basically, it's a blah day.

and then something happens that lightens your mood a bit. like having a friend get you the book you hoped she can get from London. and she got it from one of those quaint bookstores... Hatchards. and the book is Neil Gaiman's 'The Graveyard Book'

and then things get better. there is a little band around the book that says:

and then you think it's not for real. how could that be? neil wasn't there. but then you open the book's page. catching a whiff of the smell of new paper...

that it's true. which makes your day better for at least ten minutes. and then it's back to being blah. still! a signed copy of the graveyard book! woot!

snow again!

the snowflakes are dancing, whirling in the air. as if minute angels uncertain where to go. this way, that way, any way the wind takes it. its beauty overpowers the cold.

lovely, lovely snow. it feels like magic at work! i hope this keeps up enough to cover the ground and have a snowball fight! and make a snowman and snow angels!

(and i may be saying this as i have not experienced flurries yet. haha)

melancholia at noontime

it's a strange time of the day to feel melancholic. it is noon time with the sun shining in full glory. not a cloud in sight. it's the kind of sunlight that invites on to be outside. except i just woke up and it's probably really cold. despite the time, despite the beckoning world... the music on my laptop is playing songs of love and longing...

'dagat' written by gary granada directly translates to 'ocean'. it is a song about the ocean dividing two people but bridging them as well. the way it is sung and played on the guitar is simply poignant, pulling at my heart strings.

this song was taught to me by rose, a good friend who passed away many years ago. i was going to leave for my volunteer year and was leaving someone behind. i think it was her way of cheering on our relationship.

and now i sing this to jan... (well, gary g. sings this to jan for me)

Namamaybay
Ang tubig sa paypay ng hanging habagat
Dumadampi
Sa umaasang pisngi ng tabindagat
Dagat na pagitan ng ating pag-ibig
Singlawak, singlayo, singlalim
Ngunit sa isang panig, dagat ang nagsasanib
Ng dalampasigan mo sa akinNamamangka
Ang aking diwa sa nakalipas

Tumatawid
Sa ibayong daigdig ng ating bukas
Sa dagat ng pangako, sa laot ng pangarap
Sa alon ng iyong mga halik
Dagat din ng luha ng pusong naghihirap
Naghihintay sa iyong pagbabalik

sigh

di ko maintindihan nararamdaman ko ngayon. PMS ba to? post-flu depression? ewan. di ko makuhang basahin ang dapat kong basahin na kung tinuloy-tuloy ko ay matagal ko nang tapos basahin. baka naintindihan ko pa.

biglang... malungkot lang. hay.

sa inog ng tugtog ng buklod

kahit makailang-ulit kitang pakinggan, patuloy mo pa ring kinukurot ang aking puso. hindi ko alam kung kaya kong harapin ang iyong mga hamon. hindi ko alam kung may sapat akong lakas o pakikipag-kapwa para gawin iyon. ngunit mabuti na rin na paulit-ulit kong pakinggan ang mga salaysay mo tungkol sa mga kuwento ng mga nilalang na isinasantabi sa isang sulok. bilang paalala.

ang musika mo ay siyang ugnay ko sa tahanang panandaliang iniwan. salamat.

i want!

the freakin'ly awesome limited Coraline shoes! stitches and buttons. oh man, oh man, oh man!

OMG!

mabuhay ang youtube!

i just found the link of the bagets movie! the best pinoy teen movie ever. i'm so happy, i think i could cry. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fpftOPjJ3I&feature=PlayList&p=9EC521ED6FB22659&index=0&playnext=1

sabi ni neil gaiman...

nung simula ng 2008...

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

magic... dreams... good madness... check! fine books... check! kiss someone who thinks i'm wonderful... check! some art -- write, sing, live as only i can... check! surprise myself... check!

not bad!

and for 2009, he says...

...I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.

hopefully, will all do as last year. :)

back from holiday vacation

and now i have to cram 2 months readings into four days. nyahahaha!

but it was the best vacation i have had and i've been too many. thank you to our wonderful french hosts who made our stay so comfortable and enjoyable... as in overwhelmed with goodness talaga ang pakiramdam ko...

this is a quickie post and i intend to write a better ode to 2008 which has been a good year. but that will come after exams and my paper. (good luck na lang kung pano ko gagawin lahat yun sa nalalabing araw.)

sa ngayon, ninanamnam ko lang ang ligaya ng nakaraang sampung araw.

(jan ko... alam kong di ka matampuhin pero gusto ko pa ring sabihin that i wished you were there all the time. but of course, i still enjoyed so much. you would want me to, i know. )

2008

i know i should really start studying. i've already wasted the last two and a half weeks not doing anything decent for school. tomorrow, i promise (to myself), i will devote to populations and developments and whachamacallits. as the first day of the new year comes to a close here in den haag, i shall devote it to answering a survey. just because i can't go to sleep and i have not yet had enough coherent thought to truly fully reflect on my year. LOL.

* * * * *
where did you begin 2008?
at home, in davao city lighting candles and saying a prayer. i think it worked because most of what i prayed for happened.

what was your status by valentine's day of 2008?
engaged but away from my fiance

did you have to go to the hospital?
yep. i just discovered i was allergic to mefenamic acid. had trouble breathing after i took a tab.

did you have any encounters with the police?
hehe. yeah. we asked a University of the Philippines police to join our pre-nuptial wedding photos by pretending that we were under arrest. he was one cool dude!

what did you purchase over $500?
my laptop which i needed for school. wedding rings. and several other stuff related to the wedding.

did you know anybody who got married?
me. LOL. and van. and so many other people i can't remember right now.

did you know anybody who passed away?
my dear dog, mojo. :(
and a tragedy to a good friend.

what sporting events did you attend?
UAAP games! go ateneo! champion!!!

what concerts/shows did you go to?
can't remember right now but i know i did go somewhere. nothing big maybe that's why i can't remember

where do you live now?
temporarily in dorus 166 in den haag

describe your birthday.
quiet. lunch with assisi people. and mass before that. dinner with jan at cafe mediterranean and coffee at someplace. forgot my camera in that place, stupid of me. but got it back of course. thank god nobody got it before the girl in the cafe!

what's the one thing you thought you would never do but did?
go to an actual french party. had a great time there! especially with having my mouth literally on fire. ;p

any new additions to your family?
jan. and the rest of the camina family. :)

what was your best month?
hard to say. my first trip abroad ever in february. got married and had honeymoon in june. found out about my scholarship july. flying to netherlands august. seeing parts of europe october november december.

who was your best drinking buddy?
i don't drink. but i make a few exceptions as long as i have my meds around. hehe. so i would just have to say the pinoy mafia

made new friends?
many many many. and so happy about that!

any regrets?
i try not to. but maybe not buying the golem book and the mucha mousepad in prague.

overall, how would you rate this year?
one of the best in my life. i knew that 2008 would be a great year and it was. and 2009 would be as good, if not better. especially when jan comes for the summer, we gonna rock this joint! ;p

have any life changes in 2008?
hell yeah. 2008 was all about changes. from single to married. from philippines to the world! from employee to student. to micro to macro. whoa!

get a new job?
i actually had to let it go. LOL.

how old did you turn this year?
30

did anything embarrassing?
nuninuninuninu....

get married or divorced?
married.

be honest - did you watch american idol?
hell yeah. david cook!

start a new hobby?
eh... facebook, i guess.

are you happy to see 2008 go?
you move on. every day is a new day. it's all about saying hello to each day, right? :)

drank starbucks in 2008?
opkors. coffee dates with friends, can't help it.

been naughty or nice?
nyahahaha! of course. go figure. ;p

what are you wishing for in 2009?
do well. have passion. see the world. be with jan.

cut class?
to see ateneo win the championship from lasalle. and to fly to italy. good cuts i would say. ;p

was involved in something you'll never forget?
yup

cooked a gross meal?
nothing gross.

lost something important to you?
my watch. booooo!

got a gift you adore?
jan :)

tripped over a coffee table?
i tripped a lot. not sure if it was a coffee table though

dyed your hair?
nope

came close to losing your life?
thank god no

went to a party?
partieS!

read a great book?
of course.

what did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
live abroad. travel europe. get married.

did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't make new year's resolutions

did anyone close to you give birth?
rowie!

what countries did you visit?
singapore, holland (but i live here), czech republic, italy, france. (not bad for a middle class pinoy!)

what dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
january 31 - my first international flight
june 13 - wedding
july 4 - got my scholarship acceptance letter
august 30 - left for netherlands
december 23- january 1 = france vacation - da best


what was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting the scholarship. making our community teachers feel they have worth because of the education program we implemented in their areas.

what was your biggest failure?
not getting to do the rick astley medley for our grand entrance to the reception. LOL.

did you suffer illness or injury?
asphyxiation from mefenamic acid allergy

what was the best thing you bought?
wedding rings and a laptop

where did most of your money go?
payments for life insurance and pension. preparations for going to netherlands.

what did you get really, really, really excited about?
our honeymoon and my scholarship.

what song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
my one and only love. particularly when it was being played as i was walking down the aisle
seasons of love from rent

compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier

ii. thinner or fatter? fatter

iii. richer or poorer? poorer because i dont have savings

what do you wish you'd done more?
secret. hehe.

what do you wish you'd done less of?
get irritated

what was your favorite tv program?
csi. how i met your mother. top model. hehe.

do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hate is not good

what was your greatest musical discovery?
johsa, nick, eva and vina. ;p
and christopher!

what did you want and get?
scholarship!

what was your favorite film of this year?
juno

what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
doing that rick astley grand entrace. LOL.

how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
casual as always

what kept you sane?
jan.

what political issue stirred you the most?
nbn-zte broadband scandal. the gall of our leaders to be that corrupt when people are dying from hunger. terrible.

who was the best new person you met?
too many! but i have to make special mention of miriam and tuff in montpellier and crevette in paris. i am still in awe by their generosity to accept us in their homes. more than france itself, it was these people who made our vacation the best ever.

tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
to BELIEVE.

quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
what a journey it has been

do you have a new years resolution for 2009?
nope.

did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
more than i usually do (which is like a couple of sips a year) so i definitely had a lot of sips this year. ;p

if you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something, what would it be?
our reception entrance. yes, i REALLY WANTED to do the rick astley entrance. that would have been, quoting barney stinson, "LEGEN- wait for it- DARY!"

how are you different now that the year has ended?
i've had more parties than i ever had in my life. i've been to more countries this year than the rest of my life combined (because i was just in the peens. hehe!)

what do you want to change in 2009?
to lose that stomach fat. but it seems willing it away is not enough anymore. LOL

what are your wishes for the new year?
health and safety for everyone i love, just like what i pray for every night. :)
to have jan come over as soon as he can and celebrate our anniversary in europe.
to learn as much as i can here at the ISS.