a frustrated happy independence day

our original independence day was the same date as america, july 4. a date declared by the US for the country. historians urged then president Diosdado Macapagal (why oh why did you create such an evil spawn of a daughter? why!) to change it to june 12, originally Flag Day.

why june 12? in 1998, Gen. Emilio Aguinaldo proclaimed the sovereignty and independence of the Philippines and unfurled our flag to the people for the first time.

we were yet to be free from the spaniards. the war to drive them out was still ongoing.

i take pride in this day. i take pride that we did not wait to be declared independent by our conquistadors, rather we claimed it for ourselves. we did not need to win the war, we just need to know it was time to reclaim what was justly ours.

were we truly independent? technically not. we were turned over to the americans, who in the wake of world war 2, the coward douglas mcarthur left us to fend for ourselves upon the arrival of the japanese. he only came back when the war was over and it was safe for his sorry ass to come back and be safe in holding true to his promise.

now that our conquistadors are gone, we fight a new war. a sad war because it is our fellow Filipinos who oppress us. this greed for power has deprived farmers of their land, students of their education, squatters of their homes.

last week, a farmer activist fighting for land reform. last wednesday, thousands gathered in makati to express outrage for the 'timeliness' of a constitutional assembly just a few months before elections. for the last 60 years... we have been a confused nation managed by power-hungry elitists. i want to be independent from that. i want my countrymen to be fed, to be educated, to be nursed.

but how? sigh.

pretty flowers by steve martin

the moment michael sarver opened his mouth to sing the song, i could not help but fall in love with the song. steve martin's mean banjo playing made it all the more lovely. megan joy fumbled a bit, but the song was too feel good to be damaged.

i had the mushy mental imagery of jan and i walking hand and hand by the schev (oh, please, please let this be) to this song.

one month to one year

there three important questions you asked me

Q1.
it was late evening when we were hanging out by the benches under the tree of our alma mater. i don't remember anymore how the conversation led to you asking me what was happening between us.

you had your knee in a brace then. i remember the tail-end of our five hour conversation on the phone, i wished you 'break a leg' for your basketball game. ooops, wrong idiom. that was for theater. i did not, for the life of me, imagine that it would be taken literally. the next time i saw you again, you had a leg brace because of MCL. oooops, sorry.

you asked me, while our hands held each other, "ano to?" (what is this?) i wanted to be ambiguous, you didn't. i guess we know who won the case that night.

Q2.
it was funny how pinoy big brother got in the way of your moment.

after what i thought was our despedida dinner for you since it was your last day in davao and was already home, you gave me a scrapbook. i was teasing you for being romantic, a rare event and one that i always welcome.

i leafed through each page which i could see was made painstaken care and love. knowing you to be unexpressive, i teased you for putting images of our story in a book. so not you. so me, actually. and such an idiot i am, i really did not know what was coming. and because of that... the tempo broke when an interesting scene was happening on big brother. thank God for commercial breaks. haha.

yes, i am such an idiot. even upon reaching the page when THE question was there, i didn't get it. i read it the first time and snickered and teased you again. 'yiheeee, you love me! you are sooo cute.'

then i went back to the note again. waitaminute. your note said, "angie, mahal na mahal kita. maari ba kitang makasama ng habang buhay?" (angie, i love you very much. may i spend forever with you?).

people who knew about it actually bet i would cry, being such a cry baby. guess what, i laughed. laughed long and loud. not at you, but at myself. for being caught by surprise. for you actually pulling off a surprise! for me not getting it the moment i got the scrapbook. i laughed and forgot to say yes. we did resolve that at some point. :)


Q3.
well, it wasn't really you who asked me, but the priest. and he asked you the same thing. it seemed we kinda agreed on an answer.

the answer which decided our forevers was a leap of faith.

i believe.

<---------0-------->

i am fervently hoping we spend it together. yes, we can. :)

today the seeds* danced and sang

it was a perfect day to bike around in den haag to get lost.

as i pedaled my way through the bike paths, gusts of wind blew the seeds from the trees down to the ground. hundreds of tiny little seeds danced and spiraled as they made their way down. yet as they gathered in heaps, the wind would blow again and the seeds would ran and glide on the concrete making them sing. such a magical and ethereal day!

i love spring! spring is such a wonderful time of the year. :)

litratong pinoy: gusali

dahil sa pagkalakwatsera ko, may ilan-ilan na rin akong nakitang mga kilalang gusali sa europa. nuon, di ako bilib sa eiffel tower. feeling ko, building lang siya na nakalimutang damitan ang bakal. pero nuong nakita ko na sa personal... di ko mapigilang matuwa. kakaiba ang pakiramdam na makita mo ang isang bagay na palagi mo lang nababasa o napapanuod. di ko alam kung nagandahan ako sa kanya, pero sigurado akong ako ay namangha.

happy easter!

may the hope of the season be with you. :)

this holy week turned out to be a pleasant surprise. :)

Good Friday was spent in Brugges, Belgium. A somewhat imposed presence to Marwell and Maricar's road trip, thanks to Jo and Alma backing out last minute. Brugges is what I had always imagined Europe to be, back in those days when I did not know any better. Old Europe. Chocolates, beer, lace, fries and belgian waffles. Shocked the other passers-by with our fish-rice-tomato-shrimp paste lunch complete with utensils. But definitely a good Pinoy meal in Europe. Really goooood. Thanks, Marwell, for the free ride.

Black Saturday was spent to meet with my 'adopted' Dutch family. I joined the 'Meet the Dutch' program in school which allowed the ISS students to spend time with the Dutch (given we barely see Dutch people in school as we are quite multicultural in set-up). Peter and Anky were such wonderful hosts! My first time to ride a high Dutch bike. And didn't expect to do 34 kms of it in one go! We went around the towns of Bodegraven, Reeuweg and Gouda. A nice mix of small town, big countryside tour. Reeuweg was particularly exciting, with its lakes and sailing areas. The sun was absolutely perfect except with a few minutes of rain. The guided bike tour taught me about dikes and ditches and peat and sea level and such. Peter did a good job of letting me know a bit more about the Dutch way of life. Brought home pictures and instructions to send them to my mom and Jan. Plus a recipe to try out too! Yummmm...

Easter Sunday started with a surprise breakfast for Risa, which I hope made her happy, despite the fact we woke her up from sleep. Tee-hee! Breakfast with most of the gang then off to mass. Mass was also good wherein we witnessed how a European baptism goes, with babies exposed in their full glory to the audience. Haha! Plus beautiful Nigerian songs to welcome Christ's Resurrection. Afterwards, I spent the afternoon with the bday girl and Iain in Amsterdam looking at Van Gogh paintings.

Not bad at all. Especially for someone who had no specific plans for the week whatsoever.

Happy Easter again!

missing 70s bistro

70's bistro is that little hole in the wall bar along anonas that was probably the home of my melancholy and joy when i stared to work for non-profit organizations. NGO workers often hung out there, probably because it was a stone's throw away from the unofficial development organization district. and maybe because the performing artists themselves were active in social movement.
photo lifted from greenpeacesoutheastasia.wordpress.com

other than that, it was where many jesuit volunteers (JVP) like me frequently drowned our re-entry in the 'real world' angst with beer and noel cabangon's music . we listened to his songs of longing for a loved one far-away, of yesterdays that can never be relived, of frustration with the country, of hopes for tomorrow. and it was not just noel. there was joey ayala and gary granada and cookie chua and cynthia alexander... my demi-gods, if not gods, of alternative filipino music.

of course, there were also those dancerous nights listening to brownman revival. moving to their reggae beat, wondering about the injustice in the world with dino (the lead singer) having a smaller waist and shirt size than us girls.

what made it even better... were conversations with them during intermissions. most of them devoid of celebrity pompousness would sit down with us to share a beer and conversation. the waiters have also come to know us and usually seat us as near to the stage as possible. and despite work at 9AM the next day, we would go home at 2AM with our thirst for life sated and fired up at the same time.

my last two wednesdays in the philippines was spent watching noel. once with the fuhkers sucking on cannabis lollipops sent by tatit. once with maita while jan was watching argentina play olympic basketball at home.

i miss that when i feel like what i feel right now (reflective), my heart was tugged by the sound of an acoustic guitar while sitting in the middle of a cramped room sipping on my cold coke and crunching ice cubes.

* * * * *

as an aside, it was usually after going to bistro that i am able to write poems. i am no way a poet. but there are days when words just come and put themselves together using my hand to be alive. the ones i post here were written after noel's 10th anniversary gig in bistro. one of the best gigs ever.

BISTRO. MGA TULA PARA SA IYO.

1. BISTRO

tahanan ka
ng mga dakilang nakikibaka
nakikiramdam sa naghihingalong pilipinas.

kanlungan ka
ng mga mang-aawit
na sumusubok
buhayin ang pag-asa
sa pusong pagod na.

daungan ka
ng mga kaluluwang naghahanap
ng pagkakataon
na lumaya
kahit panandalian lang.

samu’t-sari
iba’t-ibang mga nilalang.
ngunit nagiging
isa
sa mga bisig mo.

1:52 AM 3-27-03

2. TISSUE
tissue

strewn all over the floor.
blown by the ceiling fan’s
tender (almost nothing) gust.

dry.
tainted with bleeding ink
and smeared lipstick.
(and someone’s broken heart)

damp.
wrapped around a glass
(and maybe on trembling fingers)
full of spiked tea.

wet.
wiped against the beer bottle’s flowing tears.
(and possibly that man’s too.)

soaked.
spilled with cold cerveza
warmed by lingering thoughts.
(and sometimes broken dreams)

later,
when the lights are out
the gentle movements
of the sleepy waiter’s broom
shall gather
you
all
in
one
big
heap.

2:01 AM 3-27-03

3. TIGANG

piga na
ang katas
ng kaluluwa.

ngunit ang
iyong tinig
ang nagdidilig
sa kanyang katigangan.

uhaw.
gutom.
ngunit higit sa lahat
lito
sa kalawakan ng buhay.

di na kayang
liparin
languyin

kulang na ang lakas.
ngunit pag nalubog na
sa awit mo ang kamalayan,
ito na ang lakas ko.

bukas…
baka kaya pa ang bukas.
basta umawit ka pa
ng isa pa.
awit pa…

3-27-03 1:30 am

4. AMBROSIA

i have always heard
that ambrosia
was food for the gods.

i have not tasted
nor seen ambrosia.

neither am i a god.

what shall i be fed?
i.
who is but a frail, hungry, thirsting human.
what shall i be fed?

ah.
sing to me your soul.
that mine may know
how it is to live again.
nourish my soul with your song.

i know
not even ambrosia
can satiate me
nor quench me
as much as your odes.

1:40 AM 3-27-03

litratong pinoy: sapatos

ito ay sa Palavas sa Montpellier, France. araw ng Pasko.

matapos masiraan ng bait at naisipan ng tropa na maglakad papuntang beach sa halip na maghintay sa bus ng isa at kalahating oras.

tatlong oras, nangangalahati pa lang kami ng lakad. salamat na lang at may dumating na bus!

bakit namin naisipan na maglakad? para makita ang isang beach na nasa Mediterranean. at dahil excited akong sa Mediterranean, deadma na na ang lamig ng tubig ay halos freezing point na. kelangan mailagay ko ang aking mga paa sa tubig.

lekat! ang lamig! halos 20 minuto bago ko bumalik ang pakiramdam sa aking mga paa.

di bale, masasabi ko naman na nakatungtong na ang aking mga paa sa mediterranean. hehe.

30 going 13... or 16 maybe

mehn...

there is something seriously wrong when exams are coming up and essay is due and the panic button is still not on, when half the day is spent watching a taiwanese soap opera from six years ago.

there is absolutely something serious wrong when anything heard that is not filipino or english sounds chinese. or when one of the F4 boys looks at the camera and one feels all kilig and giddy all over. or when upon watching aforementioned boys (who are probably men now) singing in chinese makes one laugh like a sixteen year old being wooed by her crush. and gawd, there is something seriously wrong feeling all giddy for men who wear shirts smaller than mine!

damn.

i really need a life.
or at least need to have these exams and essays over.
or dance like crazy and get this trapped energy out.
damn.

*oh baby, baby, my baby, baby...*
*giggle, giggle, giggle*

note to self: you are 30 years old

this is all barcelona's fault.

(non) study trail

my quest for the right study spot. and how it failed.

sylar

is it just me or did sylar just suddenly become hot?

dang those eyes! and when i finally did a heroes marathon of season 3... the dude was near naked in some scenes... yowzaaaah!

and so ends my study break.

i hope.

litratong pinoy: paboriting alahas

hindi ako mahilig mag-alahas. ayaw kong nagsusuot ng tunay, marahil dahil commuter ako. bukod sa masaya na akong magsuot ng fancy na mabibili ng 3 for P100. at least hindi masakit sa loob kung mawala. na madalas mangyari sa aking mga alahas.

ngunit ngayon, meron na akong suot-suot palagi -- ang aking engagement ring at wedding ring. :)

ang larawan sa baba ay ang engagement ring na pina-custom made ng asawa ko para sa proposal niya sa akin. peridot ang bato, na birth stone ko pala. di ko man lang malalaman kung di dahil sa regalo niyang singsing.

kahit na hindi ako mahilig sa alahas, palagi ko nang suot suot ito kasama ng wedding ring ko. lalo na ngayon na malayo kami sa isa't-isa ng panandalian, isang alaala na merong naghihintay sa aking pag-uwi.

litratong pinoy: polo/blusa

huwag kayong mag-alala... hindi kumanta ang mamang ito ng 'my way' sa videoke kaya duguan ang polo.

ito ang kanyang costume para sa carnaval sa maastricht, netherlands. ang carnaval ay dinidiwang ng ilang bansa ng europa sa panahon bago mag-ash wednesday. nagsasaya ang mga tao bago dumating ang panahon ng lent. ang mas masaya dito, lahat ng tao ay ganadong mag-costume. isang malaking party ang mga kalsada. walang tigil na inom ng beer ang mga taong hindi sila sa araw na iyon.

at patatalo ba ang pinoy? aba ako rin! bihis-madre naman kami ng kasama ko. at bongga, nakikipicture ang mga tao sa amin, tulad ng pakikipicture namin sa ibang taong aliw ang mga costume. :)

bigay-pugay kay Francis Magalona (a tribute to FrancisM)

i first discovered francis magalona in the movie 'bagets 2.' but in the movies, he did not shine as much as his contemporaries did.

it was only a few years after that he was rediscovred and finally found his niche in rap music. it was francis m that introduced filipino rap to the philippines. his debut rap/song, 'mga kababayan ko' (my countrymen) was a phenomenal hit. it was a fresh and new take for the pinoy audience. i loved the song, not just for its upbeat tempo and the fact that i can sing along with it (because i do not need to be in tune, and i can not for the life of me, be in tune)... but because it was a song of Filipino pride. at 12, having been brainwashed my Smokey Mountain (my first obsession in entertainment), FrancisM resonated my feelings of pride of being Pinoy.

FrancisM was the voice of my generation at that time. he spoke of love and identity and country. and he made us dance. and yes, he also sing songs sung by Bart Simpson! and i still feel it blasphemy to even compare him with andrew e. no waaaaay do you compare the REAL king of rap with someone who only talks about sex and toilet humor as well as delusions of grandeur when it comes to his face.

FrancisM IS the king of filipino rap. no other.


he did have his share of trouble with his drug use. but in the course of time, he went into rehabilitation and became a spokesperson against it. he picked up the pieces and made a comeback.

this cool, handsome chap became a music icon. and he used that to speak of issues and to promote nationalism. he has come up with his own brand of clothing called 'three stars and a sun' which is about wearing our national pride. he was also doing so well in photography, even winning awards and all that. so his artistry has expanded beyong just music and business.

today, i receive a message from tatit, telling me of his demise. my heart broke the second time this week. the last i heard about him was that he was responding well to his chemotherapy. and then this.

we have lost a great artist. one that has still so much to say, and so much to share.

FrancisM, you have gone too soon. Salamat sa pagiging isa sa mga inspirasyon ng aming henerasyon.

litratong pinoy: bag

matagal-tagal na rin mula nung aking huling lahok sa litratong pinoy. mabigat na rin kasi ang mga gawain para sa paaralan...

bag. isang bagay na malapit sa aking puso dahil hindi ako maaring mawalan ng bag kung ako ay lalabas. marahil kaya ako nahikayat na mag-post muli.

*****
ang mga tropa ng pinoy na nag-aaral sa paaralan namin ay naisipang magbakasyon sa italy. sa laki ng grupo namin, nagkahiwa-hiwalay ayon sa nais mapuntahan. may nag-venice, nag-roma at kami naman ay napadpad sa lucca. masyado kasing mabigat sa bulsa ang venice o roma.

wala sa plano ang pagpunta sa lucca. at huling araw na namin ito sa italy. pabalik na kami sa pisa kung saan ang airport. dahil madadaanan namin ang lucca, naisipan namin na dito pumunta. ngunit dahil wala sa plano, bitbit namin ang aming mga kagamitan. dahil linggo nung araw na iyo, sarado ang tourist office. napilitan kaming mag-ikot ng maliit na siyudad ng lucca bitbit ang mga bag na ito.

hindi maikakaila na turista! bukod sa halatang hindi kami taga-europa, height pa lang. haha! bagamat mabigat at nakakapagod magbitbit, sa ganda ng lugar, hindi namin maiwasang lumisan ng lucca na maligaya. kahit pa sarado ang karamihan ng mga mapupuntahan. bukod pa sa walang-tigil ang ulan.

ngunit kelan ba napigilan ng mga bagay na iyan ang taong may nunal sa paa? ;p