this is the ateneo way

back in my early years of high school, i've always imagined myself studying in UP. maybe because my sister studied there. my bro studied in La Salle but it failed to leave a mark on me. but UP was UP. i wanted to be called "iskolar ng bayan." ateneo barely crossed my mind because i didn't know anyone from there nor did i have any idea about the school.

until two things happened.

one, a school recruitment talk given by rudy ang (i think). what struck me most was his talk about ateneo and arrows. the student was the line, God was the arrowhead pointing up and Ateneo was that connection between the two. my fifteen year old mind was simply blown away by the analogy. and it got me interested in the school.

two, i passed the ACET. the test was just so darn difficult that i told myself after the exam, "&#!+! if i pass this school, this is where i will study!" and i usually try to keep my promises. my parents did not try to talk me out of the ateneo, but they were encouraging (almost short of bribing) me to go to UP. my heart was set in the ateneo. if their exam was this hard, then they must take their students' education seriously. and i wanted the best kind of education for myself.

candice posts an article written by gus rodriguez about the ateneo -- an essay that appropriately describes how i feel about my beloved alma mater. ateneo over harvard or yale or cornell or princeton? yes. i would like to think so.

quiet thoughts

it was wonderful waking up not thinking of any schedule to do for the day. while i did wake up earlier than planned (8AM as opposed to my 9AM target), i didn't get out of the room until 11AM. i checked my e-mail first (yey, wifi!) and did some inquiries through e-mail. went back to bed to read my book (dragon rider by cornelia funke).

breakfast was 11AM. i had three slices of bread, each coated with a thick layer of chunky peanut butter. plus a mug of coffee. i was still full and brimming with oil when the lunch bell rang and had to eat again. just had a bit of the squid and vegetables and didn't bother with the rice because i've already had my fill.

it was after lunch that i went down to the chapel for some quiet time. many of the things i have been thinking about for the past few months, i silently articulated to the crucifix at the altar. and these were some of my thoughts:

1. sandwich
one thing i have always been sure about in marriage is this: it will never work out if God is not the center of relationship.

so i was certain that jan and i were just like two ordinary pieces of bread. bread is good on it's own. but bread sandwich is just a couple of bread slices that would taste just like a single piece of bread. bread becomes something more special together when there is something like ham or cheese or lettuce or bacon or whatever in the center. i believe that God is that filling in our sandwich. we can only truly become special with God gluing us together, giving our togetherness its taste.

and they've always said, "man does not live by bread alone." weeeeeh. corny.

2. wonderful 29 years
i don't remember ever pining for marriage. i thought of getting married back when i was in second grade. but that was when i was shifting vocations in a matter of ten minutes. first i wanted to be a nun, then i thought it would be better to be single, then maybe married life was better. all in a span of ten minutes. after that, i don't remember ever really giving it much serious thought unless faced with our college barkada logbook surveys.

even when i had a boyfriend, i was set on enjoying singleness first. while we did have some discussions of possibilities of getting married, i told him 28 sounds like a good age to get hitched. i was 18 then.

i would really blame it on kramer vs. kramer. fr. nick cruz had us watch it for our film class. and one thing that struck me hard was when meryl streep left dustin hoffman because she doesn't know herself anymore. she felt like she was not able to live her life before they got married. and even her marriage and her child could not keep her from staying because she needed to find herself.

that was a scene i took to heart. i told myself, 1) i do not mind single-blessedness. i was actually preparing for it. even if i do fall in love easily, i think i can handle that. i've always been a good girl. hehe! and 2) if will not marry unless i felt that i have enjoyed my single life to the brim.

so it seems that my vocation is not single-blessedness. i can say definitively that i have enjoyed my life as a single woman. i have great friends, exciting travel buddies and an interesting job. whatever mistakes i made and heartaches i had, i learned from. while i am still a work in progress, i think i have enough done on me that i am equipped morally, emotionally and spiritually into this new chapter of my life's book.

3) blessing
i have always known that jan is a blessing to me. he is literally an answered prayer.

back at a time when i decided to end holding on to non-relationship (translation: malabong usapan), it was then that i decided to be true to myself and to God. in my prayer i told God, "you know, i will be honest with you... my heart's desire is to have a life companion but it is your will i will follow. i can wait until you feel i am ready to receive my heart's desire. but then, Lord, if i have to be specific... here is what i want my partner to be... a) someone i can have good conversation with, who i can talk to until the wee hours of the morning. seryoso at di seryoso. b) someone who is good of heart. c) someone who can accept my flaws and love me for who i am, good and bad. d) someone who has the capacity to send my children to ateneo should they choose to study there.

a week after that intimate prayer, i met jan. less than two months after, we got together. i thought, three out of four ain't bad. (i still have to find out about condition d right? but i'm pretty sure, we both will make certain it is possible. hehe!) God can be really quick with his answers. he's a funny deity, that God of ours. haha! what's funnier is, while i got to be specific with certain things, i failed to mention others that i usually take note of. i like lean and lanky (he's muscled), hairless (hair everywhere. ugh) and dark (his probably four shades lighter than i am!). haynaku. si God talaga. :)

so i realized, jan and i are different enough to put some spice and excitement in our marriage. but we are similar enough to keep ourself occasionally sane and more importantly, we know what particular values we want our children to learn.

and so, i think God has assured me that i am not doing this blindfolded. i am assured.

two days before the wedding, i'd probably be nervous. but today, i am certain. ;P

thank God it was the 90's

there was a slideshow presentation of pictures from college. and the first thing i noticed was the 90's fashion of loose shirts (usually giordano) or the striped polo ones, birkenstocks or mojos, one-length hairdo of any length for the girls. and seeing that made me realize one important thing: "Thank God, we weren't college in the 80's!"

hehe! i love many things about the 80's. the music, the movies, the actors... classic, mehn. but it would be such horror to see my college photo flashed 10-20 years after with big hair, shoulder pads, neon outfits... argh!

at least the 90's... while it looks totally different ten years after, it's not that embarassing. hehe! it's a walk down memory lane to see ourselves in overalls, headbands, plaid shirts and what-have-yous. even the mom jeans, i can take. complete with belt. and matching the socks with the color of the shirt. so roselle nava! but at least, at least we didn't make mountains of our hair. at least not as much as the previous decade. hehe! nor were any sign of ruffles present, except in girl's high school uniforms. that is always a relief!

wala lang. i am a 90's girl, that's all i can say. sigh! those were the days. ;p

away

I am taking a much needed break right now. While there are some thoughts about work and about the wedding still going on in my mind, it’s just nice to be away even just for a short time.

It’s a funny kind of break though, with my first afternoon in Tagaytay spent in SM Dasmarinas. Hehe! But it was just nice hanging out with Fr. Mimo and a bunch of other people. In the span of five hours, our conversations ranged from the serious to the inane. And it’s just so wonderfully silly watching a 41 year old priest making funny faces and walking like a two-year old drunk.

The SASMA (St. Augustine Major Seminary) has been a place of reclusion, rest, retreat and/or relaxation for many people who came from or lived in Mindoro and have had close friendships with the priests there. Another friend is here reviewing for her bar exams. My JVP partner frequents the place as well. It is our home away from home. A place to go when lost or looking.

Even if I have not caught up with sleep yet, I already feel refreshed and relieved of my worries. I get a semblance of the peace and contentment I felt back when I was a 20-year old Jesuit Volunteer in Calapan.

Tomorrow, I intend to have a somewhat lazy day. To finish the juvenile book I am reading. To spend some time at the Chapel and just stare at Jesus and coax a conversation from him. To take pictures with Dixie. Most of all, I intend not to worry. :)

admu batch '98 reunion

thanks to toni for this photo. the photo above is my college barkada, sans karen (had to go home to pampanga), bok (at work in iloilo or was it marawi?), chiqui (in new york) and ordo (eh... dc ba?).

arriving from davao, straight from the airport, jan and i went straight to Magis: The Gathering at Mag:Net Bonificio High Street. for what? my 10th year college reunion! Gosh. It has been ten years since we have graduated from college. Imagine. :)

i was glad i came. it had a high turn-out, with a little over 100 people who came. and there were a lot of people i knew who were there, too. from the com block were lizanne and tony pet, college sweethearts and married for quite some time already.

most of the girls were able to look as young as they did back in college, and are actually more beautiful and radiant now. the boys had a more noticable change... dag-dag bawas... dagdag tiyan, bawas buhok. ;P

i'm awfully proud of organizers for achieving such a high turn-out. though i didn't get to catch up with a lot of people (though i did get to have a short chat with one of my favorite classmates, allan jay andrew ong tan now lawyer... he's as adorable now as he was in college. hehe!), it was just wonderful seeing how people have both changed and stayed the same after all these years.

on a sad note, after ten years, three have already passed away. while their pictures flashed, i had a moment of silence and prayed for their peace.

on a happier note... everybody seemed to have a great time. parang wala masyadong panahon na nagdaan.

hopefully, more people turn out in the grand reunion sa december 6. masaya yun!

borrowed

from icanhascheezburger and postsecret.

just because the kitteh is so cute!

more cat pictures

and this is a good reminder for everyone.

tess and rose

buros - bisaya for buntis
buntis - tagalog for pregnant

we're calling two people in our training tess and rose even if their names aren't that. why? because they're both pregnant. i just find it utterly a riot. some of the other participants actually forgot their real names already. hehe!

i just love my community school teachers. they're such a family when they're together. :)

at the JRH. tagged from UK

You're it! Ma-an, Jowi, Toni, Ganns, Candice, Jovan, Alelee, Redg

* * * * *
I'm at the Jesuit Retreat House right now. I was actually doing a liquidation for a past activity when I suddenly noticed that manna from heaven sign at the bottom right corner of the office laptop signifying... wireless connection! Yahoo. Hanep talaga tong mga Heswita na to! High-tech!
So I found out I was tagged by Kang. Even with the tons of paperwork I have to do and the continuation of our workshop tomorrow morning, I decided to take a break with this tag.

Rules of Engagement.

Remove one question from below, and add in your personal question, (I put an asterisk on mine ) make it a total of 20 questions, then tag eight (8) people in your list. List them out at the end of the post.

1. At what age do/did you wish to marry?

I never really had a goal age to marry, but I thought 28 would be the earliest I would allow myself to. However, being single is so much fun that there really should be no rush or pressure.

2. What color do you like the most?

brown. i just love the color of the earth.

3. Have you ever shoplifted?

i stole a saltshaker from pizza hut for a kris kringle theme i suggested, "something stolen." hehe.

4. Where would you like to go to the most? right now?

The Hague. Hehe! Manila would be good right now, so I can help Jan out.

5. When you encounter a sad moment, what do you do?

tear up

6. If you win $1 million, what would you do?

gagayahin ko some of Kang's. convert half to peso, so that would be around 20M. give 3M each to my mom, my bro and my sis. 5M to Jan. 5M to myself. 1M to JVP. the other half, i'd split into buying a house in Manila and Davao. a eco-friendly 4-wheel drive in davao and an eco-friendly car in manila. start a business. start a foundation.

7. What do you love the most about last year, 2007?

November. our great cebu escapade and the proposal month.

8. List 3 good points of the person who tagged you.

thoughtful, passionate and ma-PR

9. How do you cope with boredom?

Read A Good Book or Watch TV/movies

10. Do you have any obsessions right now?

getting things down pat by june 13 in absencia. hehe.

11. What was the last three books you've read ?

From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiller by EL Konigsburg (good juvenile book), The Awesome Book of Comic Fantasy (an anthology, 3/4 done) and Reading The Fine Print Before Getting Married by some priest

12. If you have one wish, what would you wish for?

Good health for me and my family

13.Given a chance to join a reality show, which one would you join?

Amazing Race

14.What`s your favourite TV show ?

CSI. Forensic Science is fun!

15.Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Eh. What for?

16. What do you look forward in 2008?

June 13. And a good response from NFP.

17. If you get to live someone else's life for a day, who's life would you want to live?

Samantha Brown

18. When you die, what is it you'd like to be remembered for?

hmm... someone who tried and did

19. Greatest dream?

Travel the whole world :) - affirm

*20. Dance or sing? Dance

how it all began

suntok sa buwan chorus:

Itanong mo sa akin
At tatanungin ko rin
Kung ika'y aamin
Lahat ay gagawin

you could say that our story is somewhat a whirlwind romance. back in 2004, the one and half years that i have been in and out of the manila office, i've only seen jan a couple of times and never really noticed him. how can i when he was quiet and usually worked in the corner farthest from my space?

it was only because of a big conference here in davao sponsored by our foundation that jan and i had a chance to really interact. from obscurity, he became a subject of interest after i found out that he liked bong gabriel's "ang aking awitin." my interest further piqued when i discovered that he reads "Sandman" of Neil Gaiman and knows about the X-Men "Reavers" storyline.

after that night, i was sure i wanted to get to know this guy better. yes, yes... i am easily attracted to guys who read comics and neil gaiman. before he left for manila, i lent him a couple of books, including alan lightman's einstein's dreams. for christmas, i gave him bob ong's "A B N K K B S N P L Ko?" he got me a dave matthews mp3.

during the christmas break, there were some text exchanges to which i made a big boo-boo of calling him, "my friend." i have been cyber-bonked by tatit and erik and a couple of other friends for that. hehe.

anyway... january came. my boss, who was very kunsintidor, was able to whip us some work-related stuff so i can stay for a long time in manila. we ended up going out every night, either with friends or on our own. this was the time when suntok sa buwan was quite popular. and i kept singing it in my head, and somehow associated it with him.

"itanong mo sa akin, tatanungin ko rin..."
now, i never really thought any asking would happen. i mean, i've been so used to long courtship so a month of friendship didn't feel enough. at the same time, i was at a point of single bliss that if there was guy, enjoy. if there isn't, i'm still happy. so i thought i was going to come home to davao with kilig stories, but not a boyfriend.

"Kung ika'y aamin, Lahat ay gagawin"
apparently, he's not the kind of guy who likes ambiguity in relationships. (in everything else, he is and i'm not. which is another story all together). while it is usually the girl who asks the guy, "ano ito?", the reverse was with us. and i found it funny that he had to ask (but i kept it to myself, because i don't mind keeping him and answering with laughter might just make me lose my chances). i won't go into details. basically, i just had to know why he asked before having an answer to the question. because i really didn't have any at that point. after he explained, i thought, "what they hey... sige na nga." i mean that's what was on my mind and not how i answered him. that would have been strange. haha! i forget how i really answered him. (tat, would you remember? haha!)

basta as the evening january 19 of 2005 slowly crept into january 20, my friendster status changed unexpectedly.

Suntok sa Buwan
Session Road

Hindi mo ba alam
Damdamin ko'y pinagtakpan
Makasama ka'y suntok sa buwan

'Di mo nga alam
Mundo mo nga'y iyong tignan
Kung ganyan, walang pupuntahan

REFRAIN:
Hindi ko 'to gusto
Pero 'wag kang lalayo

CHORUS(2x)
Itanong mo sa akin
At tatanungin ko rin
Kung ika'y aamin
Lahat ay gagawin

'Di mo napapansin
Kailangan mo akong dinggin
'Di habang buhay ika'y aantayin

Ito'y aking hiling
At sana naman ay tanggapin
Ng puso ko'y 'di nabibitin

REFRAIN then CHORUS

the reveal

a month from now, around this time... i will be walking the aisle of nuestra senora de gracia in guadalupe church. at the end, waiting for me, is jan.

i could actually blame mon and dinah salas for this, since a month after they got married and passed on the bouquet and garter to me and jan, he proposed. jan, not mon. because mon is married to dinah. proposed to me, not dinah. because dinah is already married to man.

was that confusing? hehe.

jan proposed last november 27. we are to wed on a friday the 13th, instead of the hottest wedding date of the year 08-08-08. wala lang.

am i excited? when i'm not busy with work, yes.

please pray for jan and i. one of my greatest wishes for the two of us is walking the mall after 25 years of marriage and still holding hands grossing out our teen-age children. hehe. and maybe even 50 years after...when people see us they wouldn't know who's dragging who but they'd find it cute that a couple of old goats are walking hand-in-hand, probably lost having forgotten where they were to go in the first place.

how appropriate

From DailyOm.

Interesting, really. Especially with something coming up in a month. Hehe Though this is a day late as it is already May today.

May 12, 2008
Awaiting A Perfect Future
Leo Daily Horoscope

You may see the future as a bright canvas of possibilities today rather than something to be feared. As you consider the career and personal opportunities before you in the present, you will likely feel compelled to imagine the future of your dreams. Your expectations can become a source of practical ideas as you visualize precisely the life you hope to build someday. These daydreams can stimulate and excite you, giving you the motivation you need to begin forming proactive plans. If you allow yourself to consider your ambitions outside of the context of reality, you can determine just what it is you truly wish to achieve. Today may be the day you embark upon a new journey of self-discovery and accomplishment.

Our concept of the perfect future can only become reality when we are willing and able to visualize it in exhaustive detail. While many people decry daydreaming as time wasted, it is in our dreams that the nebulous ambitions we’ve cultivated within ourselves are given form and substance. As we anticipate what is to come with joy in our hearts, our expectations guide us toward the eventualities we have pictured in the mind’s eye. We empower ourselves to bring these hopes into the realm of reality by using our ideas as a guidebook as we carve a path into the future. By building what we have visualized, our optimism proves to be valid. The excitement you feel when contemplating your goals today will motivate you to build the future of your desires.

i have a dream

when i was still in grade 1, one of my dreams in life was to progress from a lead pencil to a ball point pen. true, there was a feeling of progress as i realized that we have been allowed by our teacher to let go of the fat dark blue pencil to the classic yellow Mongol.

but i longed for the ball pen. there was something so mature about it. it was only my parents and my teachers that i saw using it. all the other kids in my class were just like me, stuck with the Mongol. oh, i wasn't really sad about the Mongol. i mean, i would regularly sharpen the pencil to save up its little wooden petal byproducts and form little rosettes in my pencil case. i'd take my time sharpening my pencil making sure it was sharp and pointy. pointy enough to stab my classmate who keeps bothering me by his pangungulit.

but i longed for the ballpen. because what is written by the pencil can be erased. even just by rubbing saliva over the paper. (sure it looked dirty and messy, but sometimes a kids gotta do what a kids gotta do.) but a ball pen... a ballpen meant permanence, certainty.

time passed and we were eventually allowed ball pens for class. pencils were only allowed for drawings na lang. i felt like an adult. i had the same satisfaction as the boys who have finally progressed to long pants.

and so, my goal since i have been allowed the ballpen was to finish a single pen to the last drop.

year after year, i tried. year after year, i failed. either my pens got lost, got stolen, would shit over the place or just plain die before its prime.

sigh.

i was reminded of this goal again today, when an officemate had proclaimed that she has finished her pen for the first time. how i envy her! only 23 and she has finished a pen. i am to turn 30 yet still no success.

but there is hope. who knows how long my life is ahead of me? but i hope. i hope that someday i can proclaim to the world... "I finished my pen to the last drop!"

Share this dream with me!

bong gabriel's "ang aking awitin"

the song may be more popularly known to be sung by Side A. and jan recently told me that it has been remade once more and found the new version "kadiri." i asked if it was sung in a "kulot-kulot" manner typical of up and coming artists wanting to prove their voice prowess. he answered in the positive. ugh. kadiri nga kung ganun. but then, i checked out the new version. apparently it was sung by Pinoy Dream Academy Ronnie Liang. it wasn't as bad as jan judged it to be, but it failed to convey the heartfelt emotions the song contained.

"ang aking awitin" is one of my favorite original pilipino music of all time. i haven't heard bong gabriel sing it himself (heck, i don't think i even know what the dude looks like), but when noel cabangon strums the intro to this song and starts singing with that beautiful voice of his, i can't help my heart strings from being pulled. the song is so sincere and earnest... it's quiet tone says a million other things. even the repetitious "la la la la..." conveys meaning for me.

and maybe i'm just sensitive about it because it has a personal meaning for me since it was the song that made me really notice jan for the first time. hehe!

Ang Aking Awitin
Bong Gabriel

Lyrics:
Bakit di ko maamin sa iyo
Ang tunay na awitin ng loob ko
Di ko nais mabuhay pa kung wala sa piling mo
Ngunit di ko pa rin maamin sa iyo

Di malaman ang sasabihin 'pag kaharap ka
Ngunit nililingon naman pag dumaraan na
O ang laking pagkakamali
Kung di niya malalaman
Sa awitin kong ito ipadarama

La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la

La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la
Sa awitin kong ito ipadarama

At kung ako'y lumipas at limot na
Ang awitin kong ito'y alaala ka
Awitin ng damdamin ko sa iyo maiiwan
Sa pagbulong ng hangin ng nakaraan
O sa pagbulong ng hangin ng nakaraan

La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la

La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la
Sa awitin kong ito ipadarama

La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la

La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la
Sa awitin kong ito ipadarama