quiet thoughts

it was wonderful waking up not thinking of any schedule to do for the day. while i did wake up earlier than planned (8AM as opposed to my 9AM target), i didn't get out of the room until 11AM. i checked my e-mail first (yey, wifi!) and did some inquiries through e-mail. went back to bed to read my book (dragon rider by cornelia funke).

breakfast was 11AM. i had three slices of bread, each coated with a thick layer of chunky peanut butter. plus a mug of coffee. i was still full and brimming with oil when the lunch bell rang and had to eat again. just had a bit of the squid and vegetables and didn't bother with the rice because i've already had my fill.

it was after lunch that i went down to the chapel for some quiet time. many of the things i have been thinking about for the past few months, i silently articulated to the crucifix at the altar. and these were some of my thoughts:

1. sandwich
one thing i have always been sure about in marriage is this: it will never work out if God is not the center of relationship.

so i was certain that jan and i were just like two ordinary pieces of bread. bread is good on it's own. but bread sandwich is just a couple of bread slices that would taste just like a single piece of bread. bread becomes something more special together when there is something like ham or cheese or lettuce or bacon or whatever in the center. i believe that God is that filling in our sandwich. we can only truly become special with God gluing us together, giving our togetherness its taste.

and they've always said, "man does not live by bread alone." weeeeeh. corny.

2. wonderful 29 years
i don't remember ever pining for marriage. i thought of getting married back when i was in second grade. but that was when i was shifting vocations in a matter of ten minutes. first i wanted to be a nun, then i thought it would be better to be single, then maybe married life was better. all in a span of ten minutes. after that, i don't remember ever really giving it much serious thought unless faced with our college barkada logbook surveys.

even when i had a boyfriend, i was set on enjoying singleness first. while we did have some discussions of possibilities of getting married, i told him 28 sounds like a good age to get hitched. i was 18 then.

i would really blame it on kramer vs. kramer. fr. nick cruz had us watch it for our film class. and one thing that struck me hard was when meryl streep left dustin hoffman because she doesn't know herself anymore. she felt like she was not able to live her life before they got married. and even her marriage and her child could not keep her from staying because she needed to find herself.

that was a scene i took to heart. i told myself, 1) i do not mind single-blessedness. i was actually preparing for it. even if i do fall in love easily, i think i can handle that. i've always been a good girl. hehe! and 2) if will not marry unless i felt that i have enjoyed my single life to the brim.

so it seems that my vocation is not single-blessedness. i can say definitively that i have enjoyed my life as a single woman. i have great friends, exciting travel buddies and an interesting job. whatever mistakes i made and heartaches i had, i learned from. while i am still a work in progress, i think i have enough done on me that i am equipped morally, emotionally and spiritually into this new chapter of my life's book.

3) blessing
i have always known that jan is a blessing to me. he is literally an answered prayer.

back at a time when i decided to end holding on to non-relationship (translation: malabong usapan), it was then that i decided to be true to myself and to God. in my prayer i told God, "you know, i will be honest with you... my heart's desire is to have a life companion but it is your will i will follow. i can wait until you feel i am ready to receive my heart's desire. but then, Lord, if i have to be specific... here is what i want my partner to be... a) someone i can have good conversation with, who i can talk to until the wee hours of the morning. seryoso at di seryoso. b) someone who is good of heart. c) someone who can accept my flaws and love me for who i am, good and bad. d) someone who has the capacity to send my children to ateneo should they choose to study there.

a week after that intimate prayer, i met jan. less than two months after, we got together. i thought, three out of four ain't bad. (i still have to find out about condition d right? but i'm pretty sure, we both will make certain it is possible. hehe!) God can be really quick with his answers. he's a funny deity, that God of ours. haha! what's funnier is, while i got to be specific with certain things, i failed to mention others that i usually take note of. i like lean and lanky (he's muscled), hairless (hair everywhere. ugh) and dark (his probably four shades lighter than i am!). haynaku. si God talaga. :)

so i realized, jan and i are different enough to put some spice and excitement in our marriage. but we are similar enough to keep ourself occasionally sane and more importantly, we know what particular values we want our children to learn.

and so, i think God has assured me that i am not doing this blindfolded. i am assured.

two days before the wedding, i'd probably be nervous. but today, i am certain. ;P


rowie said...

This is such a nice post. There is so much power and truth in your simple words.

Jan is a good guy and he loves you so much. And because of those 2 things you can be assured that all will be well.

About the Kramer vs. Kramer thing. Haha, I remember us having conversations -- not about the movie per se, but about the idea of single blessedness. Thing is, I think when we're single and dating we do run the risk of losing ourselves.

But when it's the right time and the right person (and when we have become the right person too), we don't lose ourselves in marriage; instead, we find ourselves.