i have a dream

when i was still in grade 1, one of my dreams in life was to progress from a lead pencil to a ball point pen. true, there was a feeling of progress as i realized that we have been allowed by our teacher to let go of the fat dark blue pencil to the classic yellow Mongol.

but i longed for the ball pen. there was something so mature about it. it was only my parents and my teachers that i saw using it. all the other kids in my class were just like me, stuck with the Mongol. oh, i wasn't really sad about the Mongol. i mean, i would regularly sharpen the pencil to save up its little wooden petal byproducts and form little rosettes in my pencil case. i'd take my time sharpening my pencil making sure it was sharp and pointy. pointy enough to stab my classmate who keeps bothering me by his pangungulit.

but i longed for the ballpen. because what is written by the pencil can be erased. even just by rubbing saliva over the paper. (sure it looked dirty and messy, but sometimes a kids gotta do what a kids gotta do.) but a ball pen... a ballpen meant permanence, certainty.

time passed and we were eventually allowed ball pens for class. pencils were only allowed for drawings na lang. i felt like an adult. i had the same satisfaction as the boys who have finally progressed to long pants.

and so, my goal since i have been allowed the ballpen was to finish a single pen to the last drop.

year after year, i tried. year after year, i failed. either my pens got lost, got stolen, would shit over the place or just plain die before its prime.

sigh.

i was reminded of this goal again today, when an officemate had proclaimed that she has finished her pen for the first time. how i envy her! only 23 and she has finished a pen. i am to turn 30 yet still no success.

but there is hope. who knows how long my life is ahead of me? but i hope. i hope that someday i can proclaim to the world... "I finished my pen to the last drop!"

Share this dream with me!