melancholia at noontime

it's a strange time of the day to feel melancholic. it is noon time with the sun shining in full glory. not a cloud in sight. it's the kind of sunlight that invites on to be outside. except i just woke up and it's probably really cold. despite the time, despite the beckoning world... the music on my laptop is playing songs of love and longing...

'dagat' written by gary granada directly translates to 'ocean'. it is a song about the ocean dividing two people but bridging them as well. the way it is sung and played on the guitar is simply poignant, pulling at my heart strings.

this song was taught to me by rose, a good friend who passed away many years ago. i was going to leave for my volunteer year and was leaving someone behind. i think it was her way of cheering on our relationship.

and now i sing this to jan... (well, gary g. sings this to jan for me)

Namamaybay
Ang tubig sa paypay ng hanging habagat
Dumadampi
Sa umaasang pisngi ng tabindagat
Dagat na pagitan ng ating pag-ibig
Singlawak, singlayo, singlalim
Ngunit sa isang panig, dagat ang nagsasanib
Ng dalampasigan mo sa akinNamamangka
Ang aking diwa sa nakalipas

Tumatawid
Sa ibayong daigdig ng ating bukas
Sa dagat ng pangako, sa laot ng pangarap
Sa alon ng iyong mga halik
Dagat din ng luha ng pusong naghihirap
Naghihintay sa iyong pagbabalik

sigh

di ko maintindihan nararamdaman ko ngayon. PMS ba to? post-flu depression? ewan. di ko makuhang basahin ang dapat kong basahin na kung tinuloy-tuloy ko ay matagal ko nang tapos basahin. baka naintindihan ko pa.

biglang... malungkot lang. hay.

sa inog ng tugtog ng buklod

kahit makailang-ulit kitang pakinggan, patuloy mo pa ring kinukurot ang aking puso. hindi ko alam kung kaya kong harapin ang iyong mga hamon. hindi ko alam kung may sapat akong lakas o pakikipag-kapwa para gawin iyon. ngunit mabuti na rin na paulit-ulit kong pakinggan ang mga salaysay mo tungkol sa mga kuwento ng mga nilalang na isinasantabi sa isang sulok. bilang paalala.

ang musika mo ay siyang ugnay ko sa tahanang panandaliang iniwan. salamat.

i want!

the freakin'ly awesome limited Coraline shoes! stitches and buttons. oh man, oh man, oh man!

OMG!

mabuhay ang youtube!

i just found the link of the bagets movie! the best pinoy teen movie ever. i'm so happy, i think i could cry. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fpftOPjJ3I&feature=PlayList&p=9EC521ED6FB22659&index=0&playnext=1

sabi ni neil gaiman...

nung simula ng 2008...

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

magic... dreams... good madness... check! fine books... check! kiss someone who thinks i'm wonderful... check! some art -- write, sing, live as only i can... check! surprise myself... check!

not bad!

and for 2009, he says...

...I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.

hopefully, will all do as last year. :)

back from holiday vacation

and now i have to cram 2 months readings into four days. nyahahaha!

but it was the best vacation i have had and i've been too many. thank you to our wonderful french hosts who made our stay so comfortable and enjoyable... as in overwhelmed with goodness talaga ang pakiramdam ko...

this is a quickie post and i intend to write a better ode to 2008 which has been a good year. but that will come after exams and my paper. (good luck na lang kung pano ko gagawin lahat yun sa nalalabing araw.)

sa ngayon, ninanamnam ko lang ang ligaya ng nakaraang sampung araw.

(jan ko... alam kong di ka matampuhin pero gusto ko pa ring sabihin that i wished you were there all the time. but of course, i still enjoyed so much. you would want me to, i know. )

2008

i know i should really start studying. i've already wasted the last two and a half weeks not doing anything decent for school. tomorrow, i promise (to myself), i will devote to populations and developments and whachamacallits. as the first day of the new year comes to a close here in den haag, i shall devote it to answering a survey. just because i can't go to sleep and i have not yet had enough coherent thought to truly fully reflect on my year. LOL.

* * * * *
where did you begin 2008?
at home, in davao city lighting candles and saying a prayer. i think it worked because most of what i prayed for happened.

what was your status by valentine's day of 2008?
engaged but away from my fiance

did you have to go to the hospital?
yep. i just discovered i was allergic to mefenamic acid. had trouble breathing after i took a tab.

did you have any encounters with the police?
hehe. yeah. we asked a University of the Philippines police to join our pre-nuptial wedding photos by pretending that we were under arrest. he was one cool dude!

what did you purchase over $500?
my laptop which i needed for school. wedding rings. and several other stuff related to the wedding.

did you know anybody who got married?
me. LOL. and van. and so many other people i can't remember right now.

did you know anybody who passed away?
my dear dog, mojo. :(
and a tragedy to a good friend.

what sporting events did you attend?
UAAP games! go ateneo! champion!!!

what concerts/shows did you go to?
can't remember right now but i know i did go somewhere. nothing big maybe that's why i can't remember

where do you live now?
temporarily in dorus 166 in den haag

describe your birthday.
quiet. lunch with assisi people. and mass before that. dinner with jan at cafe mediterranean and coffee at someplace. forgot my camera in that place, stupid of me. but got it back of course. thank god nobody got it before the girl in the cafe!

what's the one thing you thought you would never do but did?
go to an actual french party. had a great time there! especially with having my mouth literally on fire. ;p

any new additions to your family?
jan. and the rest of the camina family. :)

what was your best month?
hard to say. my first trip abroad ever in february. got married and had honeymoon in june. found out about my scholarship july. flying to netherlands august. seeing parts of europe october november december.

who was your best drinking buddy?
i don't drink. but i make a few exceptions as long as i have my meds around. hehe. so i would just have to say the pinoy mafia

made new friends?
many many many. and so happy about that!

any regrets?
i try not to. but maybe not buying the golem book and the mucha mousepad in prague.

overall, how would you rate this year?
one of the best in my life. i knew that 2008 would be a great year and it was. and 2009 would be as good, if not better. especially when jan comes for the summer, we gonna rock this joint! ;p

have any life changes in 2008?
hell yeah. 2008 was all about changes. from single to married. from philippines to the world! from employee to student. to micro to macro. whoa!

get a new job?
i actually had to let it go. LOL.

how old did you turn this year?
30

did anything embarrassing?
nuninuninuninu....

get married or divorced?
married.

be honest - did you watch american idol?
hell yeah. david cook!

start a new hobby?
eh... facebook, i guess.

are you happy to see 2008 go?
you move on. every day is a new day. it's all about saying hello to each day, right? :)

drank starbucks in 2008?
opkors. coffee dates with friends, can't help it.

been naughty or nice?
nyahahaha! of course. go figure. ;p

what are you wishing for in 2009?
do well. have passion. see the world. be with jan.

cut class?
to see ateneo win the championship from lasalle. and to fly to italy. good cuts i would say. ;p

was involved in something you'll never forget?
yup

cooked a gross meal?
nothing gross.

lost something important to you?
my watch. booooo!

got a gift you adore?
jan :)

tripped over a coffee table?
i tripped a lot. not sure if it was a coffee table though

dyed your hair?
nope

came close to losing your life?
thank god no

went to a party?
partieS!

read a great book?
of course.

what did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
live abroad. travel europe. get married.

did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't make new year's resolutions

did anyone close to you give birth?
rowie!

what countries did you visit?
singapore, holland (but i live here), czech republic, italy, france. (not bad for a middle class pinoy!)

what dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
january 31 - my first international flight
june 13 - wedding
july 4 - got my scholarship acceptance letter
august 30 - left for netherlands
december 23- january 1 = france vacation - da best


what was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting the scholarship. making our community teachers feel they have worth because of the education program we implemented in their areas.

what was your biggest failure?
not getting to do the rick astley medley for our grand entrance to the reception. LOL.

did you suffer illness or injury?
asphyxiation from mefenamic acid allergy

what was the best thing you bought?
wedding rings and a laptop

where did most of your money go?
payments for life insurance and pension. preparations for going to netherlands.

what did you get really, really, really excited about?
our honeymoon and my scholarship.

what song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
my one and only love. particularly when it was being played as i was walking down the aisle
seasons of love from rent

compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier

ii. thinner or fatter? fatter

iii. richer or poorer? poorer because i dont have savings

what do you wish you'd done more?
secret. hehe.

what do you wish you'd done less of?
get irritated

what was your favorite tv program?
csi. how i met your mother. top model. hehe.

do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hate is not good

what was your greatest musical discovery?
johsa, nick, eva and vina. ;p
and christopher!

what did you want and get?
scholarship!

what was your favorite film of this year?
juno

what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
doing that rick astley grand entrace. LOL.

how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
casual as always

what kept you sane?
jan.

what political issue stirred you the most?
nbn-zte broadband scandal. the gall of our leaders to be that corrupt when people are dying from hunger. terrible.

who was the best new person you met?
too many! but i have to make special mention of miriam and tuff in montpellier and crevette in paris. i am still in awe by their generosity to accept us in their homes. more than france itself, it was these people who made our vacation the best ever.

tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
to BELIEVE.

quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
what a journey it has been

do you have a new years resolution for 2009?
nope.

did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
more than i usually do (which is like a couple of sips a year) so i definitely had a lot of sips this year. ;p

if you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something, what would it be?
our reception entrance. yes, i REALLY WANTED to do the rick astley entrance. that would have been, quoting barney stinson, "LEGEN- wait for it- DARY!"

how are you different now that the year has ended?
i've had more parties than i ever had in my life. i've been to more countries this year than the rest of my life combined (because i was just in the peens. hehe!)

what do you want to change in 2009?
to lose that stomach fat. but it seems willing it away is not enough anymore. LOL

what are your wishes for the new year?
health and safety for everyone i love, just like what i pray for every night. :)
to have jan come over as soon as he can and celebrate our anniversary in europe.
to learn as much as i can here at the ISS.

looking for the Christmas spirit

Christmas in the Philippines is a big thing. The moments the months have -ber in the end, malls would play endless Christmas carols. By the time the actual day comes, I'm already sick of "give love on Christmas day."

If I were home, I'd have been hardly home attending Christmas parties left and right. And I would have had a nice little orange envelope containing the Christmas bonus and a pay slip that contains my 13th month pay. Traffic would have been terrible already, with the usual one hour trip taking two hours. At some point, I might have gone, "bah-hum-bug Christmas." But at least it's bah-hum-bug Christmas at home.

I can't even feel that the day is only three days away. The last few days have been spent cooped in Dorus attempting to write an essay but sidetracked by How I Met Your Mother episodes on the net. The essay has not come to life yet, but at least I'm halfway through HIMYM season one. What an achievement. Hurrah. Bah.

I miss Christmas at home. The food, the people, the gifts. I miss making my nephews and nieces guess what they would receive for Christmas. And they always get it right! Books! And my line, "aaaah... but you don't know which book! that is the surprise!"

There is still three days to recapture the spirit. I can only be happy that I have a great family here who misses home as much as I do. I can only be glad that we can find home in each other. Most of us have never been away from our families for Christmas, and this will be a challenge to us all.

Now, I know for sure... Christmas is REALLY about the family. It is remembering that more than 2000 years ago was a family made holy by a definitive yes by the woman despite facing the consequences of conceiving without a husband. By a definitive yes by the man despite the fact of being ridiculed for taking a woman pregnant not of his child. It is all about believing and of sacrifice...

Christmas around the corner

Ah yes... capitalism's most favorite holiday!

The Pinoys have picked out the names of who their babies will be for the Kris Kringle for our Christmas celebration before we part ways for our respective Christmas celebrations. Maricar had a great idea of each of us preparing for a wish list to make sure we get exactly what we want.

So what do I want?
1. A black fedora hat. I really like how it looks on me. :)
2. A pair of girl and boy earrings. Am starting a collection.
3. A winter coat up to the knees that is really warm.
4. Leather gloves
5. Black leather boots
6. iPod with 8GB or up memory
7. 50-300mm Nikon camera lens
8. a waterproof camera bag
9. a waterproof 10kg backpack
10. a one way ticket to Netherlands and a one year residence permit for my husband ;p
11. two round trip tickets to Greece for me and jan
12. Christmas with my entire family (jan, my mom, siblings and pamangkins) with roasted pig and ice cold Coke
13. a RP topic that I will love doing and will mean something somehow
14. a photographic memory to remember everything that I read and I hear in class
15. World Peace. seriously.

16. the fuzzy, warm feeling of Christmas. the sincere, genuine feeling of gratitude that Christ was born to live a life worth looking up to.

I am also willing to accept sincere bear hugs and a genuine wish of Merry Christmas. ;p

a hundred days in europe

I just realized that December 8 is my 100th day here in Netherlands.

Well... I know a hundred days isn't really a year, but it's almost as much of a milestone.

A hundred days! It feels so ironic that it is also the day when I finally felt the pangs of loneliness. Enough to make the tears come. i let it flow then shake it away, no use in denying emotions. yes, it has been a hundred days away from home, a hundred days away from jan, a hundred days of listless sleep, a hundred days of uncertainty... that is looking at it from the half-empty glass perspective.

But it is also a hundred days of many beautiful, wonderful things:

* of my first autumn -- the experience of the nature's dying, like the phoenix that explodes in mesmerizing fire before it turns to dust. yet knowing that there is a rebirth.















* of my first snow and hail -- snowball fights with bare hands. as the ice hits you or another, it is punctuated with child(-ish, -like) laughter. while autumn is the vibrance of color, the somberness of white is transfixing.

* experiencing europe -- a dream come true! i thought that europe will just forever be a vision from books and movies and now i am here! and there is still so much more of it to see.

* of beautiful friendships forged -- my pinoy mafia keeps me sane. will definitely miss the old batch who have always been so accommodating of our barging in the headquarters. to my new friends from all continents who have taught me so much about the world much bigger than what i have known. my first american thanksgiving to happy halloweens, from standing up against poverty to transformations. i never in my life dreamed education can be this interesting!


and so much more in those hundred days! from cooking and finally finding out for myself that there is a vortex in the laundry machine that sucks out half of a pair of socks and gloves leaving my closet with three unpaired socks and gloves... nights of singing and dancing and watching other people get wasted... to pining and wishing for those comfortable warm hands... to just realizing every day of my life that i am alive and tingling with all sorts of emotions, be it sadness or happiness.




the first hundred days and triple more ahead here in europe. looking forward to the joys and pains of what is to come! well, not so much the pain, but i have to be realistic here. 2008 is almost gone and 2009 is coming. i may not be raring to go at the moment, but i'm ready. ;p

LP36: Eksayted! (excited)

Iilang buwan na rin akong delinkwente sa aking paglahok sa lingguhang litratong pinoy. kasalanan na rin siguro ng pansamantalang pag-alis sa bansa para mag-aral sa netherlands.

at di ko na kayang matiis pa ang tikisin ang lumahok sa litratong pinoy dahil sa temang eksayted. masaya nga talaga ang makita ang niyebe sa unang pagkakataon. sa sobrang tuwa ay di na nagsuot ng angkop na kasuotan para di lamig. kelangan makunan ng larawan ang pagbagsak ng yelo sa bubungan ng tirahan ng mga mag-aaral.

kaya ayan... namumulo na ang mga daliri sa paa dahil nakatsinelas lang. pero di bale... kakaiba talaga ang tuwa na naramdaman sa araw na iyon na nakakita ng niyebe sa unang pagkakataon. at sa bawat araw na may niyebe... patuloy pa rin ang pagkamangha. :P

hail and snow!

the last two days have been pretty exciting for me even if i just stayed indoors most of the time.

i heard a mild tap-tapping at my door as i was cleaning my room. when i opened the curtains... ta-daaaah! ice falling from the sky.

so being the ignorant asian that i am thought it to be snow. i opened my window and staring out of their windows were regina, tom (canada) and patchar (thailand). to tom, it was nothing new but for the asians, it was magic!

it was a bit quick, but then sometime in the afternoon, it was a longer one. i finally buzzed for regina because such a moment called for a photo op. and photos we took! despite looking like we just got out of bed (oh... we did just get out of bed)., we didn't care! it was fun!


i thought that hail was just a fluke because most of my friends who've lived in europe told me that it never really snows in the netherlands. most of the time winter is just wet and rainy.

but the fates would have it that i tick off another box in my things to experience before i die... it snowed! for real this time. with snowflakes that just melt the moment they hit your hand. and it fell quieter and prettier than hail. the flakes don't fall straight down, but kind of hover here and there in the air before they hit the ground.

i wanted another photo op and buzzed regina's floor but no one was answering. despite being ungloved, i decided to take a look at the outside world.

there ya go... i wasn't the only excited one. the indonesians were going around town taking pictures of the snow too. it's great to know that somebody feels as excited as you are at that same moment. like an invisible bond holds you together at that moment.

so with all courage, i decided to go out and take photos outside. eyob peeped out from his room and i forced him to come out of his den and join me. then ruth (american) and nick (german) peeped out of their rooms, and i asked them to come out.
and when you have big kids like us all together in a snowy day, what do you get? snowball fight!!! the fight ensued. just a few snowballs and my ungloved fingers were already numb. nick was kind enough to lend me his gloves to thaw them out, but it had a high price. he hit me in the face, the back, the head. and of course, he just had to stuff ice on my shirt. tsk-tsk!

mel saw nick from her room and jumped out of the window and joined in our fun. wheee!

it was a really, really wonderful experience. wet but very enjoyable and exciting and something that will make me smile a lot when i remember it.

i just hope it doesn't snow everyday so i don't get used to it. it would be great to be excited by it everytime it happens. LOL.

for now, this is how i feel...

howard was right

when studying, don't have pictures on your table.

there weren't any pictures on my table, but there are photos on facebook. i reviewed some photos from the philippines... and boy, was that a bad idea. apart from taking time from studying (which has been terribly neglected since the beginning of term 1b), it made me miss people at home, especially jan.

i really don't want to go to the path of longing for home. i am still constantly excited by the thought of being in europe, of fulfilling this lifelong dream. this morning, i took an hour going home from church because i decided to take a detour by the lake and boy, was autumn beautiful! the shower of leaves was absolutely magical and charming. i would never had experienced such a moment in the peens... but it would have been more magical to have my husband with me at that moment...

i've been experiencing so much and doing so much here in europe. and so much of it can not be captured by words or pictures, no matter how i try. i feel like a grown-up and a child at the same time. so it makes it difficult to share with jan and i don't want him missing out on my pruning and growing... neither do i want to miss out on his.

the weekly revelries at the ISS are always enjoyable, but like all parties... it leaves me feeling empty when i go back to my room on my own. i should have had jan with me... and seeing and hearing about the exciting things happening makes me miss him more, wishing for him more and more.

sigh.

i do not feel lonely. not at all. i am glad that the pinoy mafia enjoy each other's company, enough for us to keep (in)sane from all the emotional stimulus we are all experiencing.

it could be the weather really... because the thoughts of home come more frequent now. while i enjoy winter dressing, i have always been a tropics lady who enjoys the sun kissing her skin. and every day has been getting colder and colder that my skin sometimes gets numb. and maybe that's why the emotions are stirred more. it calls for warmth that the body does not get. and i mean that warm fuzzy feeling... lol.

sigh.

sleepless in den haag

the sandman may have forgetten to pass by the ISS for the last few days. many of the students have been suffereing from the lack of sleep lately for various reasons. the cause of my sleeplessness has been a reuniting with dorm room internet. i'm starting to think this may not be a good idea after all. i've been indulging in my guilty pleasure of brainless reality tv for the past week.

however, tonight is a different reason for me. my mind is so alive right now. it often happens when the moon is full, because i am the moon's fool. she's toying with my thoughts, whispering sweet nothings.

tonight luna tells me, "i let you taste some of your dreams. relish it. be free."

and i do feel as free as the bird from that photo i took on a nine o'clock setting sun during my first weeks in the netherlands. and i do feel that i am having a taste of my silly little girl dreams now that i am here.

silly little girl dreams like wearing coats and boots and sweaters which would have been crazy to do back at home (but i do miss wearing flip-flops to anywhere). silly little girl dreams like seeing europe and discovering if it is as pretty as i see in the pictures and read in the books (it is but it has made me appreciate home more). silly little girl dreams like seeing what autumn is all about, and walkin on a pile of fallen yellow and orange leaves and seeing trees die a little each day knowing they are just asleep and are waking up in a few months (but i miss the regularity of sun up and sun down).

dreams can come true not necessarily in ways you imagine it to be.

there are the realities that pinch once in a while. cleaning the room, doing laundry, cooking meals. things that aren't going to happen by themselves. there are days i hate it terribly, and there are the days when i just grin to myself and realize... "dang... independence, you taste a bit funny sometimes!"

there are the realities that actually bite you hard. readings, papers, exams. and i would go, "oh yeah... that's what i came here for. better do those things too."

then there are life's little surprises. if you are just open enough, it can be quite beautiful.

maybe it is premature to say it only two and a half months into the program, but i have been constantly amazed by the people in the school. the multicultural set-up makes ISS doubly exciting. there is so much to learn and discover just by talking to people! that's not even talking about classes yet. i am always genuinely excited to engage with people everyday.

i love the mix of the pinoys i am with. we are as surprised as everybody else at how well our sisterhood (sorry boys, we outnumber you!) is.

i love the other friends i already have made and wish to get to know them better. this is the kind of globalization the rest of the world needs! to remain steadfastly faithful and in-love with who we are, yet embracing the Otherness of the others.

i can not ask for a better way to discover the world.

i feel so blessed right now. :)

(but then it would be absolutely perfect to have my husband here too. my quiet, stoic jan to offset all the restless energy i have right now. LOL.)